


My Happy Little Phil

by midnightskydan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Parents, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Anxiety, Chaptered, Cheating, Depression, Fluff, High School, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Self Harm, Smoking, based on a troye song, chapter 11 is my fav, dan's all kinds of fucked up, p graphic self harm, read with caution!!!, sort of unhealthy relationship, underage drnking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-23
Updated: 2018-07-08
Packaged: 2018-11-17 23:26:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 37,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11278965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightskydan/pseuds/midnightskydan
Summary: Dan is the school bad boy who doesn't know what love is. He doesn't feel anything but pain and wants to bury his troubles in something. He's naive, willing to risk anything, and maybe too willing to drag others down with him, unintentionally or otherwise.And Dan's Happy Little Pill is a boy with blue eyes.But what happens when Dan develops feelings for his 'Happy Little Phil?'~•~•~"So, don't go falling in love with me or anything, okay?"He chuckled, "I'll try," He spoke sarcastically."Oi!" Dan exclaimed, smacking him lightly on the arm. He rolled his eyes. "Whatever, just don't tell anyone about this. Last night that was just..." Dan tried to think of an accurate term. "Do you listen to Troye Sivan?""Sure," Phil agreed, suppressing a smile, seeming amused."We were just each others' Happy Little Pills," Dan compared. He smiled, "My Happy Little Phil."Phil rolled his eyes. "You're such a dork."





	1. Happy Little Pill

**Author's Note:**

> okayyy so, basically, i wrote this agesss ago and I was rereading it and it's the only chaptered fic I've ever finished, so I decided to edit it and put it up.
> 
> Anyways, this is from a while ago, hence the Blue Neighborhood References and the slight Tronnor. 
> 
> This is basically a giant angsty hurt/comfort fic
> 
> Note that this was originally written in 1st person in case I messed up in editing.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: (in case they aren't all in the tags) (contain spoilers)
> 
> -Depression  
> -Self Harm  
> -Smoking  
> -Alcohol   
> -PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)  
> -Attempted Suicide   
> -Hospitals  
> -Vague Descriptions Of War (Not in main storyline)   
> -Anxiety  
> -Panic Attacks  
> -Abusive Parents  
> -Sex (both characters are 17 years old)
> 
> please be careful and enjoy the fic !!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _[my happy little pill,](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QEWHF3E9YJQ)take me away_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tried to put em in the tags but just in case !!
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING (Contains Spoilers)
> 
> -Depression  
> -Self Harm  
> -Smoking  
> -Alcohol  
> -PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)  
> -Attempted Suicide  
> -Vague Descriptions Of War (Not in main storyline)  
> -Anxiety  
> -Panic Attacks  
> -Parental Abuse  
> -Sex (they're both 17 in the beginning so technically underage)

"C'mon Phil! You have to come with us! Practically everyone's going to be there!" Chris begged.  


"I dunno, I have a lot of studying to do for our history test this Friday and..." Phil trailed off as a something--or someone, rather--caught his eye.

This someone was tall. He had pale skin, brown hair, and a haircut similar to Phil's, just with his fringe parted to the opposite side. He wore a black hoodie and tight black skinny jeans. He had earbuds in and leaned against a wall, looking exceptionally, almost melodramatically, bored. He was on his phone.

"Who's that?" Phil asked. This stranger was certainly attractive. God, Phil was gay.

Chris rolled his eyes at him. "Why? Think he's kind of cute?" Chris asked, and turned to look over the boy as well. "Eh a little too edgy for me," he decided, shrugging.

"Shut up." Phil laughed, nudging him in the side. "I was just...observing. Only because I've never seen him before."

"Riiiight," Chris said, "Anyways his name's Daniel Howell. He's new here. Rumor has it, he was expelled from his last school for something like underage drinking or smoking or something."

"Wow. Do you stalk him or what?" he asked, surprised at Chris's knowledge.

"He's a friend of PJ's," Chris explained, sticking his tongue out immaturely.

**_In the crowd alone  
_ ** ******_And every second passing reminds me I'm not home_ ** ** **

Fuck school. Fuck learning. Fuck getting up early. Fuck everything.

Dan sighed as he leaned against the brick wall of his new school. He hated this school already. It was too posh, obviously for more upper-class people, completely unlike Dan himself.

He was 17 he'dbe out of this hellhole soon. He sighed again and turned on music. Troye's new stuff. Believe it or not, Dan used to know him before he got all famous and left his old life on the internet behind, venturing into the world of music. They had been pretty good friends, but he didn't have much time on his hands these days, so they hadn't spoken in a while.

Dan noticed a boy who had been staring at him for a while. Dan met his eyes for a second, before awkwardly looking down at his phone. Why was he just staring at Dan?

Dan scrolled aimlessly through tumblr, turning his music up. At the end of the song he looked up to see the boy still looking at him. Said boy had blueish-silver eyes with just a little hint of green in them. They were so mesmerizing, Dan almost started staring myself, before remembering that was creepy. He walked up to the kid.

"Hey, got a problem?" he asked, frowning.

He jumped a little at Dan's voice, Dan seemed to have startled him out of his thoughts.

"What?" He asked.

"You've been staring at me for like 5 minutes."

"Oh," he apologized, looking sheepish, "Sorry, I didn't realize, sorry."

Dan rolled his eyes and pushed past him.  _He was kind of cute_ , a voice in the back of Dan's mind thought.  _Whatever_ , he thought back, he'd fool around with him later if he felt like it, right now he just needed a cigarette. He walked around to the back of the school.

This place was too loud and bright. Too much was going on. Dan didn't know what to make of it. He lit a cigarette and put it to his lips, taking a long drag. Maybe it was a shit habit, but his mom always had cigarettes lying around, and he didn't quite care if he died of lung cancer. Maybe then his mom would become aware of his existence if he was actually dying.

**_Bright lights and city sounds are ringing like a drone  
_ ** ******_Unknown, unknown_ ** ** **

The sounds all seemed to blur together to make up a distorted mess of noise. Dan didn't mind that he wasn't fully present in the moment. He was just passing by, after all, so Dan wouldn't put too much effort into making himself comfortable here. It was only a matter of time before they kicked him out of this school too.

Everything seemed pointless. Dan was in what he liked to call a "Permanent State Of Existential Crisis." Life was meaningless for Dan, just something he had to struggle through until he was met with the sweet release of death.

* * *

"So, is he going to be at this party or...?" Phil asked as he watched Dan walk away.  


Chris chuckled. "I think so, I mean the party's at PJ's place, and Peej has already gotten in pretty close with Dan."

"I  _might_  come," Phil answered, giving up on trying to deny that he was somewhat interested in the new boy. He watched Dan as he walked off towards the back of the school. "I'll be right back," he told Chris, curiously following behind the boy.

Phil followed him to a shady corner towards the back of the school, unsure what he was doing. He thought about introducing himself to the boy,but he'd probably jut come off as annoying. He saw Dan light a cigarette and bring it to his lips, smoking it, while he tried to decide if introducing himself was worth possibly creating an awkward encounter.

He looked over at Phil. "So are you just stalking me now, then?" he asked.

"I, uh, I didn't, sorry," Phil stuttered.

"Why were you looking at me earlier?" He asked, coming out of the shadows and taking another drag. He looked me over, eyes judging.

"Oh, I, I'd just never seen you here before, sorry," Phil explained.

"Would you stop apologizing? It's annoying."

"Sorry," Phil fired back, smiling a bit.

The boy rolled his eyes at Phil. "So what's your name?" he asked casually, leaning back against the wall.

"What?"

"Name. Title by which one is called," Dan explained.

"I'm aware," Phil assured him, rolling my eyes, "Just surprised you care."

He shrugged. "Just a tad bored I suppose." Classic uninterested cool guy act. Why was it working on Phil? What a dick.

"Well I'm Phil," he replied, "Phil Lester."

The boy took another drag. "Dan Howell," he introduced.

"So, I hear you might be at this party tonight?" Phil inquired.

"Peej's? Yeah, I'll be there," he answered, blowing more smoke.

"I guess I'll see you then."

"Cool," he agreed shortly.

Phil awkwardly walked off, looking back once at him. There was something about him that intrigued Phil. He couldn't quite put his finger on it. Normally he'd stay away from people like Dan but...there was just something about him. Okay, maybe it was just because he was hot.

**_Oh, glazed eyes, empty hearts_ **   
**_Buying happy from shopping carts_ **   
****_Nothing but time to kill  
_ ** ** ******_Sipping life from bottles  
_ ** ** ** ******_Tight skin, bodyguards  
_ ** ** ** ****_Gucci down the boulevard  
_ ** ** ****_Cocaine, dollar bills  
_ ** ** **_And..._ **

Dan walked to class. He had to actually pay attention at school, because if he flunked out, he'd be stuck with his "family" forever. He needed to at least get his diploma, or else he was screwed. If it wasn't for this fact, he'd likely be ditching.

As Dan looked around the school he realized something. Sure these kids may seem posh and upper-class but many of them also seemed to be fighting their own battles.

Money didn't equal happiness, as much as you may wish it could. Money did buy drugs though, and drugs gave the illusion of happiness. That's what many of these kids clung to. No one was phased by my smoking in the open, and there were a number of students who stuck to the shadows, even a few who were smoking as well.

Of course Dan resented that. He didn't have money, so he wouldn't know if money could buy happiness. He supposed it could buy a therapist. Anti-depressants. A flat away from his mother.

Dan found himself briefly wondering what that Phil kid's story was. Was he just the quirky smiley guy who introduced himself to new kids, or was there something deeper? Dan didn't think on it too much. He'd probably never even talk to the guy again.

Dan walked into his class and plopped his stuff down at the back of the class.

* * *

**_My happy little pill  
_ ** ****_Take me away  
_ ** ** ****_Dry my eyes  
_ ** ** ****_Bring colour to my skies  
_ ** ** ****_My sweet little pill  
_ ** ** ****_Tame my hunger  
_ ** ** ******_Lie within  
_ ** ** ** ******_Numb my skin_ ** ** **

Dan walked 'home' from school after 6 hours of tedious note taking, avoiding conversations with others, and tapping anxiously as he was in desperate need of a cigarette.

Dan wouldn't deny that smoking was one of his vices. It was a horrible habit that he really didn't make any effort to break. People tried to tell him about lung cancer and shit, but he couldn't really care that much about his well-being. If he did, he wouldn't really be smoking in the first place. He just did his best not to smoke around others.

Smoking didn't really allow the illusion of happiness, but it did make Dan feel  _neutral_. It made him feel numb, apathetic. When he was sad, it calmed him. It tamed his emotions and his thoughts, and it let him just relax. It allowed him for something unimportant to focus on for a moment.

Phil watched Dan walk off, lighting another cigarette. Watching as the smoking seemed to calm him, Phil started to miss it. But he wouldn't start again. He'd quit a while ago, after only a few months, for his own good. He'd convinced myself that he was going to start trying to get better and quitting smoking was one of the first steps. He'd only done it because of some not-quite-friends pressuring him into it and his desire to fit in. He'd found it to be somewhat calming after a while as well. Still, it was a gross habit which he couldn't fall back into.  


Phil followed after Dan, as it appeared they were headed in the same direction as Phil.

**_Like a rock I float  
_ ** ******_Sweat and conversations seep into my bones_ ** ** **

"Hey," Phil greeted, coming up behind Dan.  


He pulled out an earphone and turned to look at Phil. "Are you sure you're not stalking me?" he asked, moving to the right so that Phil could walk alongside him. A small gesture, but it made Phil feel a lot more comfortable.

Phil laughed awkwardly. No one would think of him as someone to get nervous talking to anyone, seeing as he talked to practically everyone, but every conversation with someone new did make him anxious. He played out scenarios of every possible reaction and he had to think carefully about what he was saying before I said it. If he spoke without thinking to someone, then it meant they had his trust. Phil only really got nervous speaking in front of people he didn't know, these days. He was doing better.

"So where're you headed?" Dan asked.

"I live in an apartment building not too far from here. You?" Phil asked.

"My house is just at the end of this road," he explained.

"Cool," Phil commented, nodding. He silently debated with himself on whether or not he should add to that fragment of a sentence.

Before he could make up his mind, Dan asked, "Are most of the kids here so...depressed?"

The question caught Phil off guard. He thought about all the kids at school. "A good few of them, yeah," he said.

Dan nodded, thoughtfully.

Phil quickly found himself at his apartment complex. "Well I live here," Phil stated, motioning to the neighborhood they were walking past.

"I guess I'll see you later." Dan gave a half-smile. That was at least something from the near-disgustingly stereotypical bad boy.

"Guess so," Phil replied, walking into the apartment building on his left.

Phil hadn't actually made up his mind about the party yet. He didn't know if he really wanted to be around a lot of people. Then again, his moods tended to change quickly.

* * *

**_Four walls are not enough  
_ ** ******_I'll take a dip into the unknown, unknown_ ** ** **

By the time the party was starting, Phil was climbing the walls with boredom and loneliness. His emotions were quite fluid. So, he decided he would go to the party, see his friends, see the mysterious new boy, and maybe get really drunk and get away from his mind.

**_Oh, glazed eyes, empty hearts_ **   
**_Buying happy from shopping carts  
_ ** ******_Nothing but time to kill  
_ ** ** ** ******_Sipping life from bottles  
_ ** ** ** ******_Tight skin, bodyguards  
_ ** ** ** ******_Gucci down the boulevard  
_ ** ** ** ******_Cocaine, dollar bills  
_ ** ** ** ******_And..._ ** ** **

So yes, Phil quit smoking, but that was just one of the steps to getting better. He still enjoyed drinking, despite the fact that he was underage. Phil loved getting and being drunk because when he was drunk, he didn't care as much. When he was drunk he wasn't worried about anything.  


Drinking was better than smoking, wasn't it? He didn't drink  _all the time_ , just at parties or when he really needed to get away from it all. Now wasn't really the time for moral debates with himself, anyways. Now was a time for getting wasted, and getting away from it all.

Phil walked through the front door of PJ's house. PJ's parents were never around. They had the same job (the job they met at) and this job required a lot of traveling. Most likely due to his lack of guidance, PJ was always having parties, getting hammered, and/or doing drugs.

The place was already full of high school students as well as some college kids, holding drinks, and dancing to blasting music. PJ tended to throw typical, movie-like, teenage parties. Packed and loud and full of teens holding red cups.

"Phiiillll!" someone slurred, and Phil felt arms wrap around him from the side.

"Hello Chris," Phil laughed, pushing him off.

Having a very limited filter to begin with, Chris was a lightweight. He could be completely hammered after just a few shots, and saying and doing whatever came to mind. "Here!" he offered, handing Phil a red cup, "It's alcohol," he whispered, "or a drink or something."

Phil chuckled and took a swig. "Hey Chris, where's Peej?"

"PEEJ!" Chris exclaimed, "Oh! I love Peej! He's over here next to the alcohol and beers! With this dark guy called Howler or something." He dragged Phil by the sleeve towards the kitchen.

Phil laughed again, and followed willingly, assuming 'Howler' was meant to be 'Howell.'

**_My happy little pill  
_ ** ******_Take me away  
_ ** ** ** ******_Dry my eyes  
_ ** ** ** ******_Bring colour to my skies  
_ ** ** ** ******_My sweet little pill  
_ ** ** ** ******_Tame my hunger  
_ ** ** ** ******_Lie within  
_ ** ** ** ******_Numb my skin_ ** ** **

Looking around the room full of teenagers, some drinking, some smoking, Phil found himself wondering how many came here just to get away from their shit lives, like Phil had.  


He wondered who came here to find their escape. Alcohol. Smoking. Food. Sex. Drugs. Anyone with a horrible life had an escape, a way of numbing the pain. You would have to be really strong to be able to suffer through a bad life without one.

Inside the kitchen, Phil found PJ talking to Dan next to a table full of snacks, sodas, and alcoholic beverages that Phil didn't have near enough knowledge to identify.

"Hey Phil!" PJ greeted, brightly.

"Hi!"

"Have you met Dan?" He asked, gesturing to Dan, who was wearing the same thing as he had been earlier that day.

"Yeah actually," Phil answered, smiling, taking another swig of his- frankly disgusting- mix of a drink. "Hey Dan," he greeted.

He nodded a 'sup' and took another sip of his drink. Phil had the feeling that this would be one of those nights where after a few more drinks, they'd all be pouring their hearts out to each other.

He was correct.

**_Oh, glazed eyes, empty hearts_ **   
****_Buying happy from shopping carts_ ** **   
****_Nothing but time to kill  
_ ** ** ******_Sipping life from bottles  
_ ** ** ** ******_Tight skin, bodyguards  
_ ** ** ** ******_Gucci down the boulevard  
_ ** ** ** ******_Cocaine, dollar bills  
_ ** ** ** **_And..._ **

"I think that the new Pokemon are creative!" Phil exclaimed, setting his glass down roughly on the table.  


"Are you kidding?! They just pointed to random household objects and gave them weird names. They didn't even try with these. I mean a garbage Pokemon? Seriously?" Dan argued.

"It's you as a pokemon," Phil decided, pouring himself another drink. Dan scoffed.

"Don't look now, but I think two of the members of the football team are snogging in the corner," Dan mentioned.

Phil did, in fact, look now. He giggled as he saw them. "Damn if I'd have known they swung that way I'd be the one snogging them," Phil mentioned.

Dan smirked. "Pfft come on," he spoke sarcastically, "They're  _totally_  straight."

They laughed, because that was terribly hysterical to them. When their laughter died down, Phil asked, "What about you?"

"Hmm?" Dan asked, sipping his multicolored beverage.

"Are you  _totally straight_?"

He shrugged. "Don't know." In just one second he'd put down his glass and was a lot closet to Phil. He gently backed Phil up against the nearest wall, "Let's find out, shall we?"

His lips covered Phil's and they shared a drunken, sloppy, kiss. Phil was too drunk to know, or care, what was actually happening as they made out and scrambled into the bedroom.

As they closed and locked the bedroom door, they couldn't hear the music from the living room very well.

**_My happy little pill_**    
 ** ** ** _Take me away  
_****** ** ** ** _Dry my eyes  
_****** ** ** ** _Bring colour to my skies  
_****** ** ** ** _My sweet little pill  
_****** ** ** ** _Tame my hunger  
_****** ** ** ** _Lie within  
_****** ** ** ******** _Numb my skin_

Their lips moved against each other's like they were made for the sole purpose of doing so. Dan pushed Phil down onto the bed and kissed him hard, slipping his tongue into his mouth and exploring every inch. Dan didn't care in this moment what his sexuality was, what this kid he met and he were, he just wanted an escape.

It happened quickly, as they were drunk and impatient. Phil left marks, but they were careful, even drunk. Dan sang along to the music under his breath, gasps and moans worked into the rhythm of the song as Phil kissed him all over, and Dan tried to return the favor whenever presented with the opportunity.

And that had helped Dan blow off a lot of steam. It felt good to escape all his thoughts and problems and just enjoy something meaningless and consequence-less. He climbed back onto the bed and collapsed beside Phil.

No words were uttered as they climbed beneath the covers. Their breathing steadied as they laid side by side. Dan kissed Phil one more time and prayed that he'd be able to remember this in the morning, because that was fucking amazing.


	2. BITE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _kiss me on the mouth and set me free,[but please don't bite](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLuWMOF6vOU)_

****Dan awoke to sun flooding through an uncovered window.

"Ughhh," Dan groaned, rolling over and shutting the blinds. He climbed back into bed and was surprised to find a body beside his own. The memories of last night came flooding back. Phil snuggled himself into Dan's side. He was still fast asleep as it seemed.

Dan pushed his jet black hair out of his face, to better see it, and Phil's eyes fluttered open. "Shit," Dan murmured, "Sorry, didn't mean to wake you up."

Phil sat up, and looked around groggily. "Dan? You, why? ...Oh yeah...we...right," He said, also seeming to remember.

Dan scratched his head and bit his lip. "Listen, Phil, I...you and I...that wasn't..."

"We were drunk," Phil agreed.

"Exactly," Dan nodded. "We don't even know each other. So, don't go falling in love with me or anything, okay?"

He chuckled, "I'll try," He spoke sarcastically.

"Oi!" Dan exclaimed, smacking him lightly on the arm. He rolled his eyes. "Whatever, just don't tell anyone about this. Last night that was just..." Dan tried to think of an accurate term. "Do you listen to Troye Sivan?"

"Sure," Phil agreed, suppressing a smile, seeming amused.

"We were just each others' Happy Little Pills," Dan compared. He smiled, "My Happy Little  _Phil_."

Phil rolled his eyes. "You're such a dork."

"Shut up." Dan replied, grinning, before putting on a serious expression. "So don't tell anyone about this okay?"

Dan got out of the bed, turning away, and began to put on his clothes. Phil averted his eyes, as if he hadn't just fucked Dan. He allowed himself to try and think back to last night, see what his alcohol-ridden brain could recall. He didn't remember much, somewhat disappointingly, could hardly recall the way Dan had looked or felt, but he supposed it was better that way. This was a one time thing.

Dan turned back to Phil, dressed back in his t shirt and jacket, and gave him a hard look, putting his bad boy persona back on. "I assume I don't have to make a threat, and you'll just keep quiet?" he asked, pulling his black jacket on.

Phil seemed surprised by the sudden change of personality and attitude. He nodded in response, eyes wide. Dan felt a bit bad, but it wasn't as if they'd ever see each other again, right?

He walked out of the room and the house without looking back. He was just happy to have forgotten about all of his problems during the actions of the night before.

~•~•~ 

Phil watched Dan walk away. That was just it? He was just gonna have sex with Phil then walk away? This wasn't a movie? What kind of 17 year old just hooks up at a party in real life? Well, he supposed a few, but Phil never wanted to have meaningless sex. What had he done? He'd gotten too caught up in wanting an escape. He shouldn't have drank so much, either. Neither of them could  _really_ consent at that level of drunkenness. But he supposed neither of them were to blame. They did both want it.

And Phil supposed that's how he would've expected Dan to be. He was the bad boy. He probably didn't even know what love felt like. Not that Phil knew that feeling particularly well himself...

Phil sat up and looked around for his clothes. They were strewn across the floor. He pulled them on, his head throbbing from the hangover. He'd fallen asleep with his contacts in as well, so his eyes we dry and irritable, and his contacts were probably fused to his eyeballs. He sighed and decided he'd figure it out at home.

He started home, not bothering to say goodbye to PJ. He was probably passed out drunk on a couch somewhere, Chris too.

Phil wasn't one who normally turned to sex for comfort, but he wouldn't deny that it had felt good to have a meaningless night with an, admittedly, quite attractive guy. He supposed some people could find comfort in multiple places. He didn't even really feel guilty or used. Dan and he had  _both_  needed that. Neither of them had really been taking advantage of the other.

Then why didn't he feel satisfied?

_~Sunday(PJ's Party was on Friday)~_

Phil walked out of his apartment building and onto the sidewalk. He didn't actually have anywhere to go. He just needed to get out of that shitty, lonely, flat.

He started walking with his earphones in, blasting sad music, because he may as well make his mood worse. He walked down the road going the opposite direction of the school.

Phil did a double take when he saw Dan. Walking past an alleyway, he barely noticed him. He was leaning against the wall, covered by a shadow, looking down at his phone, and smoking.

"Dan?" Phil asked, taking out an earbud.

He looked up and over at Phil. "Phil," he greeted walking towards me, "Thank God."

Before Phil could fully process what was going on, he was being pushed up against the wall of the alley. Dan attacked his lips with a hunger, a  _need_.

"Dan?" Phil gasped, between kisses that he couldn't help but return.

 **_Kiss me on the mouth and set me free  
_ ** ****_Sing me like a choir_ ** **

"Phil," He replied in a breathy sort of moan, kissing Phil hard. He ran his hands up Phil's chest. Phil could taste the tobacco and nicotine in his mouth, but he knew it wouldn't hurt. Phil already felt addicted to his kiss.

Dan pulled away, smiling. He laced his fingers through Phil's and led Phil with him down the alleyway and into a dreary neighborhood. He kissed Phil again in the doorway of a small, grey, house. He wrapped his arms around Phil, holding him as close as he possibly could. With one hand he reached and turned the doorknob. The door flung open and Dan and Phil fell into his house.

He didn't leave Phil's lips alone for enough time for him to formulate an intelligible sentence. Dan pulled him into a bedroom, closing and locking the door.

"Dan wait," Phil was able to speak.

Dan halted his actions immediately.

"What are you doing?" Phil asked him.

"I want you, Phil," He spoke lowly, seductively. Phil's name on his lips was like music to Phil's ears, and he couldn't hold back. Phil pressed his lips against Dan's, hands slithering around Dan's waist.

 **_I can be the subject of your dreams  
_ ** ****_Your sickening desire_ ** **

"Do you really?" Phil asked, sinking into the mood, kissing him on his neck, earning a pleasured gasp. "Have you been thinking of me?" He asked in a low, husky, voice, before kissing another part of Dan's neck, improvising. He was new at this. He was young, horny, he wanted to feel good again. "Thinking about what we did the other night? Hmm? Replaying it in your mind?" he asked, biting down lightly, unsure where the sudden confidence had come from.

"Ye-fuck. Yes Phil!" he answered, easily coming apart just by having his neck stimulated. "Been thinking...about you. Wanna feel good again," He said in between gasps and moans, curling his fingers in Phil's hair.

"Tell me, Daniel," Phil spoke, lips near Dan's ear, "Are you gay? Hmm? Bisexual?"

He gasped again as Phil bit down leaving another hickey on his neck. "No, no, totally straight," He managed with a smirk.

 **_Don't you want to see a man up close?  
_ ** ****_A phoenix in the fire_ ** **

"We'll just see about that shall we?" Phil spoke, smirking. He secretly bet the whole bad boy thing was an act. He bet Dan was innocent. That he hadn't done things like this as often as he'd have Phil believe. Phil liked that idea better. Maybe it made Phil special.

Dan didn't answer, as that would mean giving in. He simply pulled Phil in for another kiss.

Phil went to pull Dan's shirt up over his head, but Dan stopped him, kissing him again instead. That was fine they didn't need to fully undress. He could understand Dan being a little more self conscious now that they were sober.

"Mine," Phil found himself saying, words spilling from his mouth. He kissed his neck and down to his chest, "Right here, right now, your mine, yeah?"

" _I'm yours, Phil_ _,_ " Dan panted out, with no hesitation. Maybe all Dan really wanted was to be had.

"Good," Phil breathed.

A beat of silence.

 **_So kiss me on the mouth and set me free  
_ ** ****_But please don't bite_ ** **

"Phil?" Dan asked, holding his breath.

Phil looked up at him. His eyes shone with passion, and a little fear. Phil must've been right about his innocence. He was genuinely concerned.

"Hey," Phil spoke softer, "It's okay, you can trust me. Tell me if you want me to stop, yeah? We in no way have to do this," Phil promised him. He nodded and Phil kissed him softly, before letting himself slip back into the heat of the moment, laying Dan out before him on his bed.

~•~•~

 **_You can coax the cold right out of me  
_ ** ****_Drape me in your warmth_ ** **

Dan awoke in Phil's arms. They weren't just laid side by side like the other night. He had his arms wrapped around Dan, and Dan's head was on his chest. He wasn't quite sure how he felt about this, but he was comfortable.

Phil made him feel nice, warm. Dan didn't want to read into it. He just wanted to be content in Phil's arms and not worry about what exactly he made Dan feel. He was able to distract Dan from everything, remove worries from Dan's mind. All that Dan could think about was what they had just done, and Phil's arms around him.

 **_The rapture in the dark puts me at ease  
_ ** ****_The blind eye of the storm_ ** **

Phil shifted slightly, tightening his grip around Dan. Dan felt peaceful laying here with Phil. He didn't have to think about what would come in the future, about how Dan would figure his own mess of a life out. This was the calm before the storm, the eye of the hurricane, and Dan just wanted to enjoy it.

Darkness slowly crept into the room as the sun set, and Dan sighed happily, snuggling into Phil's shoulder crevasse. He tried to fall asleep again. For the first time in a long time, Dan was content with himself, with his choices of the day. He just hoped, it'd stay that way.

After a particularly bad fight with Dan's mum, he'd stormed out and lit a cigarette. He had been thinking about Phil. He missed the taste of his lips, the sound of his voice, the comfort of physical contact. It must've been something like fate that made Phil walk right past him.

Dan had felt like he really need a distraction, an escape from life.

When he saw Phil, he went for it.

 **_Let's go for a walk down Easy Street  
_ ** **_**_Where you can be reborn_ ** _ **

"Dan?" Phil mumbled, sleepily, grasping for his glasses on the bed stand.

"Shh," Dan whispered, snuggling into his side, "Let's just make this simple, okay? Let me have today."

Why couldn't things like that just work for Dan? Why couldn't things just be easy, fall into place, work out?

"Maybe I'm more innocent than I've admitted Phil, but  _you_  are way less innocent than you'd like to admit," Dan muttered, chuckling, "But don't worry, because we can help each other. We can be each others' happy little pills." Dan yawned. "At least for today."

Phil chuckled lowly as well, and rested his chin atop Dan's head. "Whatever you want, Dan."

 **_And kiss me on the mouth and set me free  
_ ** ****_But please, don't bite_ ** **

Dan felt exposed. Vulnerable. Phil somewhat knew the truth behind his bad boy demeanor. Dan had let Phil in to give himself pleasure. He had to hope Phil wouldn't stab him in the back.

It was hard to put all his trust in someone he only met a few days ago. Dan didn't even know him that well. What was he even doing? He couldn't let Phil in. He would just let Dan down.

As Dan realized this, he sat up.

A hand wrapped around Dan's arm as he got up. Dan tried to hide his wince.

"Dan?"

 **_Aah, I'm pulling on your heart to push my luck  
_ ** ****_Aah, cause who's got any time for growin' up?_ ** **

"I, you should go," Dan spoke quietly. He didn't want to let Phil be anymore than an escape and a sort of vice. He couldn't develop any sort of attachment to him. "I didn't mean to let this go this far."

Dan wasn't mature enough to make a commitment or anything. Who would want to do that? Dan could get an escape whenever he wanted. Dan didn't need Phil. Things would only get complicated with him.

Phil sat up and pulled on his pants, and Dan did the same. He walked over to Dan and sat beside him. "I'll go..." He told Dan, "If you want me to."

 **_Kiss me on the mouth... bite  
_ ** ****_Kiss me on the mouth... bite_ ** **

Dan wanted him to kiss him again. He wanted to feel safe in his arms. But Dan knew that as soon as he let himself feel this way, he would be vulnerable. He knew well enough to not let anyone in. You might trust someone with all your heart, but they'll still leave you. They'll break your heart.

Phil was so close to him. His lips looked so inviting. He just couldn't bring himself to kiss them. His mind was too distracted with worries and he didn't need another problem to add to the list.

 **_Kiss me, kiss me on the mouth and set me free  
_ ** ****_Kiss me on the mouth and set me free  
_ ** ** ****_Kiss me on the mouth and set me free  
_ ** ** **********_Kiss me on the mouth and set me free_**

Phil's hand moved up to Dan's cheek. He moved Dan's head to look him in the eyes. "Dan, this doesn't have to be anything. The thing is, we both need someone right now, not someone we even feel anything for, just someone to help us numb the pain, am I right?"

Dan nodded slowly. Why was he so good at explaining things?

"Then don't worry about it," He said, leaning in and connecting our lips.

His kiss was just like he said, something that numbed the pain. But it was also something that ignited a spark within Dan and allowed him to properly  _feel_  again. As their lips moved together softly, it calmed Dan down, and excited him greatly, at the same time. Dan placed his hands on the back of Phil's head, as they kissed.

"It doesn't have to be complicated," Phil promised. He picked Dan's phone up off the nightstand. He typed something in and handed it to Dan. "Whenever we need an escape. Whenever we need a 'Happy Little Pill,'" he smiled, "We can go to each other. No one has to know. It doesn't have to be anything more than what it is." He offered.

This seemed reasonable. Dan saved Phil's number to his phone. "Alright. But we don't tell anyone, right?"

"Right," Phil nodded.

"I guess I can do that," Dan agreed.

Phil smiled. "I'll see you later then, Dan," He said, pulling his pants on.

Dan followed after him and pulled him around for one more kiss, to calm his nerves. He smiled into it.

"Goodbye Dan."

"Later," Dan said with a smirk, "My Happy Little Phil."

"That's not gonna catch on!" He shouted back.

 **_Kiss me on the mouth and set me free  
_ ** ****_Sing me like a choir_ ** **

Dan pulled Phil in for one more kiss. He was a confusing person. One minute he wanted nothing to do with Phil, and the next he was all over Phil. Phil didn't care. He just wanted to feel him, hear Phil's name roll off his tongue like a desperate prayer, to be able to forget Phil's problems whenever Phil was around him. He was just so  _hot_. That was all.

 **_I can be the subject of your dreams  
_ ** ****_Your sickening desire_ ** **

Phil wondered if Dan had ever once been with another guy. He seemed to know what he was doing, but he also seemed a little out of his depth. He probably had only been with girls and done nothing out of the ordinary, as Phil had predicted.

Phil smiled into the kiss. "Goodbye Dan," he told him, after he pulled away.

Phil walked out of his house, rolling his eyes at Dan's "Happy Little Phil" pun.

 **_Don't you wanna see a man up close  
_ ** ****_A phoenix in the fire_ ** **

Dan was a mystery, that was for sure. Phil wanted to find out more about him, but he wasn't sure he wanted to get that close. He didn't quite understand what he wanted from Dan. He just wanted to be a part of his life. Phil couldn't leave him now. Pretty much all that he knew about Dan was that he needed to escape from his life. Phil wanted to know why.

Phil enjoyed the little glimpse behind Dan's bad boy act. He was so innocent really, so desperate for comfort. Phil wanted to know why he wanted to be feared. Why he needed to put on a show.

 **_So kiss me on the mouth and set me free  
_ ** ******_But please don't bite_ ** ** **

But for now Phil would just kiss him, and hope he didn't bite.


	3. We're My Otp

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _otp, we're my otp, baby you and me,[we'd be so sexy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7VjYUnvnTog)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> re-listening to this song almost five years later gave me INTENSE smol troye angst n flashbacks to finding him for the first time i'm crying

Dan pulled his hood up over his head, putting his earphones in as he wandered down the school corridors. He did  _not_  feel like being here today. He was feeling exceptionally depressed and everyone here today seemed to be feeling exceptionally bright and cheerful.

Dan walked past Phil and his friends, Chris, Pj, and some other kids Dan didn't know. Dan and Phil made brief eye contact, but Dan broke it by looking down. He kept walking. It was Thursday. Dan and Phil hadn't spoken since Sunday. He had Phil's number, but Dan hadn't texted or called him.

Dan didn't know how to feel. He just knew that Phil had started making him feel  _something,_ for the first time in a long time _,_ and that terrified him. He walked away from all the judging eyes and to the back of the school. He just needed a cigarette. He put it to his lips and took a long drag, sighing and watching the smoke billow before him.

What had Dan gotten himself into? He couldn't let Phil into his life, his messed up shit storm of a life. Phil couldn't know how fucked up it really was. Dan sighed. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that Dan couldn't have Phil in his life, but he knew that he needed to stay away from Phil, if he wanted to continue the way he was.

But Dan wasn't cruel enough just to blow him off. He took out his phone and touched Phil's contact.

 _Hey it's Dan. I'm sorry Phil but I don't think we should see each other again. It was nice those two times, but I think it's best we don't talk anymore. Goodbye_  
_-DH_

Dan sent the text and took another drag. That was one issue taken care of, he supposed.

* * *

Phil stared down at his phone and sighed. He'd kind of hoped that he and Dan would get to see each other again. He had wanted to know more about Dan, maybe even find out why he needed a "Happy Little Pill."

Phil didn't know how to reply so he just pocketed his phone.

"You okay, Phil?" PJ asked me.

"Yeah..." Phil answered, "Yeah."

The class bell rang, so PJ, Chris, and Phil walked to class. Dan walked past them, and Phil stared after him but he didn't spare Phil one glance. Phil had seen a different side of him a few days ago. An innocent, vulnerable, scared side of him. But all he'd seen since then was a tough, distanced, silent, bad boy who smoked behind the school and was avoided in hallways.

Phil missed his smile, his laugh. He was dorky underneath it all, Phil could tell. He just wanted Dan to be able to be himself for everyone to see. Why'd he have to put on this show? It was just hard knowing that he could get Dan to open up- that he was probably the only one who could help the closed off boy- but Dan wouldn't let him.

"Pssssst," A voice whispered. Phil just kept walking. "Pssst Phil," It whispered. Phil stopped and looked around. He felt someone grab his arm, and pull him into a door. Phil was in a janitor's closet? He looked over to see who had pulled him inside.

"Chris, what the heck?" Phil asked, laughing a little.

"I've been meaning to get you alone," He said, "You're not being very subtle Phil."

" _What_?" Phil asked, completely lost. Was Chris hitting on him or...?

"Did you two hook up at the party or what?" Chris asked.

"...What?" Who was he referring to?

"Dan! You've been ogling the kid all week!" He exclaimed.

"Ohhh! Dan? No we're not...anything." Phil spoke, not sounding particularly believable. In fact, Phil wasn't sure if he believed himself.

"Riiiiight," Chris agreed sarcastically. "Well anyways, the school's bad boy and the school's ray of sunshine. A picture perfect ship." He chuckled.

"What?"

"In fact, otp," Chris decided, seeming amused.

"...What?"

"You'll realize your love for each other eventually," He whispered, more to himself than Phil. He then pushed Phil out of the closet, ordering, "Now go get him!"

"What?" Was Phil's intelligent remark, standing outside of the closet.

* * *

Dan stared up at his ceiling, laying on his bed. He needed something, a cigarette, a drink, a meaningless make out session, but he was out of cigarettes, he didn't want to go out, and he couldn't stop thinking about Phil. He didn't know if he really missed Phil as a person, or if he just missed the touch, the illusion of being cared for.

Dan sat up. He had to get out and clear his mind.

It was 11:00pm Friday night. Dan could go out, get drunk at some high school party (it was Friday night, he could find one), maybe even pick up a girl. But for some reason that didn't sound as appealing as it used to.

As Dan laced up his shoes, he heard his phone start vibrating and he picked it up from his bed stand. Phil was calling him. Dan hesitantly answered. "Phil?" he asked.

"Dan!" Phil exclaimed excitedly, "Dan! Why'd you call me? I thought you didn't like me anymore!" He asked, giggling.

"I... I didn't... You...What?"

"I've been trying to think of this song..." He spoke, "It's like...it's like...I don't know."

"Phil what are you-"

"Otp!!" He exclaimed excitedly, "Something about otps and...nutella."

Dan laughed a little, eyebrows furrowed at the strangeness of the call. "We're My OTP, from Troye's old youtube channel?" Dan offered.

"We're your otp? I thought you didn't like me anymore!"

"What no, that's just, what?"

"AHHH, DAN HELP THERE'S A GIRL FLIRTING WITH ME AND I AM VERY GAY!!!!" He shouted.

"Phil?" Dan asked, laughing, "Are you wasted?"

"NO!" He answered, sounding offended, "I'M NOT- okay maybe."

Dan laughed again, shaking his head. "Oh my god, Phil, go home."

"I will!!! Someone stole my car keys!" He said, sadly. A second of rustling around. "WAIT! I FOUND THEM!" He exclaimed.

"Phil, oh my god, no. You are  _not_  driving like this. Where are you? I'll come get you."

"You'll come get me?!" He exclaimed, "I knew you didn't hate me!!!"

Dan rolled his eyes. "Whatever, Phil, just tell me where you are."

"Umm, I dunno there's a party going on. Chris is here. There's a college full of drunk girls who don't get that I'm gay!"

"Alright I think I know where you are, I'll be right there." Dan grabbed the keys to his mom's black car and ran down the stairs.

"Hey do you reckon Dan's gay?" Phil asked as Dan put the phone on speaker and on the dashboard of his car.

What? Had Phil forgotten who he was talking to? Drunk Phil had an interesting persona, to say the least.

"I mean we had the sexy times, but I dunno if he was just experimenting or what," Phil went on.

Dan didn't know what to say. Was he gay? Was he just experimenting? Dan didn't quite know. He only knew that he liked Phil's lips on his own, and he liked how it felt to be touched by him.

"Do you think he even likes me?" Phil asked, sounding dejected.

"Maybe he's not sure yet," Dan replied simply, sighing.

Dan started the car and drove to the college. He circled it looking for a house with a bunch of drunk kids, music blaring, and bright lights, while Phil blabbered on about randomness such as gay lions and how the house he was at had a bad wifi connection.

Dan found the party quickly, and parked down the street. Dan hung up on Phil and walked up to the house, searching for his colleague. Dan spotted him amidst a crowd of drunk college girls.

Dan sighed, rolling his eyes and smiling. He walked over to him. "Phil?" he called.

"Gotta go ladies, my  _bad boy_  wants me," He spoke, voice surly, as he pushed his way out of the crowd.

"Heya Dan, whatcha doing here?" He asked, leaning his elbow on Dan's shoulder to prop himself up, taking a drink out of his red cup.

Dan took the cup. "I'm cutting you off," he told Phil, "and bringing you home."

"Ughh you're no fun," Phil whined, "I miss that guy."

"What guy?" Dan asked.

"The phone guy. He was fun. You're boring," He said, poking my chest.

"C'mon Phil," Dan spoke, rolling his eyes, grabbing Phil's wrist and pulling him after him.

Phil pulled out of Dan's hand and then grabbed his hand with his own, proceeding to follow after Dan. Dan shook his head, not all too bothered, and pulled Phil along to Dan's car, sitting him down in the front seat. Dan started to drive him home.

He parked just outside of the neighborhood where Dan and Phil had parted ways at on their walk home from school the other day. Phil had told Dan he lived in this neighborhood.

"Where are we?" Phil asked.

"Your place," Dan answered, "Cmon let's get you inside."

"Noooo," Phil whined.

"What?" Dan asked, raising an eyebrow, amused.

"I don't want to go back to my place. It's lonely. I wanna stay with you!" He begged.

"Phil..."

"Please?" He asked, giving Dan wide, puppyesque eyes.

Dan rolled his eyes and started the car again. What could it hurt? His mom wouldn't care (or notice). It probably wasn't a good idea to leave Phil alone when he was this drunk anyways. So, Dan drove them farther down to his house. He helped Phil stumble out and quietly into Dan's house, careful not to wake his mum. Dan brought Phil into his room and laid him on the bed.

Dan started out of the room, deciding to sleep on the living room couch.

"Wait, Dan!" Phil called, "Where're you going?"

"To sleep."

"Don't leave me!" He whined, reaching out. He grabbed Dan's arm and pulled him down with Phil, "Please," he begged, "I don't want to be alone anymore." He had actual fear and pain in his eyes, and Dan couldn't help but pity him, so he laid down beside him.

Phil smiled, sighing in relief. "Night Danny," He breathed, resting his head in my shoulder crevasse.

"Goodnight Phil," Dan spoke, rolling his eyes yet again at Phil's ridiculousness.

All of a sudden Phil whispered, "Dan I remember!"

"What?" Dan asked, groggily, having almost fallen asleep.

Phil started singing "We're My OTP" quietly.

Dan rolled his eyes, "Go to sleep, Phil."

"But Dan!" He whispered excitedly, "We  _are_  my OTP."

"You're drunk."

"I still love you."

"No you don't, Phil, now go to sleep."

"Goodnight,  _love_."

Dan just sighed and closed his eyes.

* * *

Dan woke up before Phil, which wasn't surprising because of all the liquor in his system. Phil was flung over Dan, his head on Dan's shoulder. Their legs were tangled, and Dan's arm had found its way around Phil's shoulders.

Dan carefully slid his arm back, causing Phil to whimper in his sleep and squirm, looking for the lost warmth. Dan's next task was to untangle their legs, which would be rather difficult to do without waking Phil.

After a few minutes, he'd finally wriggled himself free. Dan sat up and Phil rolled over, pulling the blankets tighter around himself. Dan walked into the bathroom and locked the door, hopping in the shower. He figured he had at least a half an hour until Phil decided to wake up.

As the water splashed over his body, Dan tried not to think about everything that had happened last night.

Phil had said he loved Dan?

Obviously, he was just blabbering drunk. He didn't care about Dan that way. They'd only known each other a while. But it was odd that Phil had called him, out of all the people he knew.

Dan found himself singing "We're My Otp" quietly in the shower, shaking his head at himself. The song had been stuck in his head since he woke up.

Did he like the idea of Phil and he in an actual relationship? Obviously real feelings were yet to be developed, but was the simple idea appealing?

No. Of course not. Dan didn't want a relationship. He didn't feel. He just lived. Phil could do much better anyways.

* * *

 _What happened last night? Where am I? Holy cats, my eyes hurt_. Phil thought immediately upon waking.

He sat up and blinked, eyesight blurry. He really needed to stop falling asleep in his contacts. He should start wearing his glasses when he went out to drink. Phil was eventually able to make out his surroundings. He was in  _Dan's bedroom_? Had Dan been at the party last night?

Phil peeked under the covers. Thankfully, he was fully clothed, so he doubted Dan and he had done anything last night.

Phil sat up and heard something like a muffled voice, or humming. He followed the sound to the bathroom door. Dan was showering...and he was singing. Phil smiled to himself as he listened in. Sure, the lyrics were silly, but Dan's voice wasn't half bad.

Phil heard him turn off the shower, still singing to himself. Phil sat on the edge of Dan's bed and listened.

Dan walked out of the bathroom in a towel.

"Oh," He said, as he noticed Phil sitting there.

"Morning," Phil greeted, smiling, "Nice singing by the way."

"What? You- shut up," Dan retorted, walking over to his closet to get some clothes.

"So what happened last night?" Phil asked.

"Well, what do you remember?" He asked, seeming kind of nervous.

"Just going to that party."

"Oh, well, you drunk dialed me I guess, and I came to pick you up because you were way too drunk to drive, and you refused to go home so I just brought you here," Dan explained.

Some of that sounded vaguely familiar. "I didn't do anything embarrassing did I?" Phil asked laughing a little, to cover up genuine fear of doing something stupid in front of Dan.

Dan paused for a second, pulling clothes out of his closet and dresser. "No," he decided, "No, you're good."

Phil didn't quite believe him. He wished he remembered what had happened.

"Anyways," Dan spoke, walking into the bathroom to change, but not latching the door, "I'd better take you back home before my mum gets up," He said.

Phil was about to politely decline, saying he could get home on his own, but he stopped himself. He wanted to talk to Dan more, maybe convince him to let Phil back in.

Dan walked out wearing all black (such a surprise). His hair was still a little wet, and it was curling at the ends. It looked less bad boy sexy and more freaking adorable.

"I didn't know you had naturally curly hair," Phil commented, as they walked out of his place.

"I hate it," He scoffed, "That's why I always straighten it."

"I like it. Suits you," Phil said.

They walked in relatively awkward silence for a few more minutes before Phil ventured, "Did I say anything to you, last night?"

"Well you were trying to remember a song, you yelled at girls for hitting on you because you were gay, and you sang 'We're My OTP,'" Dan recapped. Phil didn't miss the slight turn of his lips at the side. He was growing on Dan.

"Oh just that," Phil commend sarcastically.

"Actually you also seemed pretty keen to tell me that you loved me," Dan spoke with forced laughter.

Phil stopped in his tracks. "Really?" he asked.

"Yep."

Phil was silent for a minute before he started walking with Dan again. "Sorry," he spoke sheepishly, "I tend to get pretty overly friendly when I'm drunk, I'm surprised we didn't make out." He forced a laugh.

Dan awkwardly laughed as well. "I guess I'll see you later then," he said, stopping outside of Phil's building.

"I guess so..." Phil replied, not walking away.

Dan raised and eyebrow as if to ask,  _are you gonna go or what?_

"Are we good?" Phil asked, biting his lip, "Are you talking to me again?"

"I don't know. I'll get back to you or I won't, I just, need to think about shit," Dan said, flatly.

"Alright." Phil agreed, trying not to sound too disappointed. "I'll see you later, Dan," he said, with a smile, walking towards his flat.

Phil hummed to himself as he walked away, stupid song still stuck in his head. Phil hoped that Dan would call. He didn't know why, Phil just felt like he needed to get to know him. Did he want more than whatever it was that he had with Dan? Phil wasn't sure.Dan just seemed lonely, and he seemed to have potential and Phil just wanted him in his life somehow.


	4. WILD

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _leave this blue neighborhood, never knew loving could hurt this good, oh,[and it drives me wild](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3awzvNrKDsg)_

~ _A Month or so Later_ ~

 **_Trying hard not to fall  
_ ** ****_On the way home_**** _  
_**_You were trying to wear me down, down_**

Phil smiled to himself, walking away from Dan's place. He had literally just seen him a few moments ago, yet Phil missed him.

Phil was trying really hard  _not_  to sort out his feelings for Dan. He didn't want things to be complicated. But lately, he'd felt something for Dan besides simple lust. Phil just wished he was with him, able to touch him and kiss him, all the time.

Phil found that he'd stopped walking just outside Dan's house and was now just leaning against the wall wishing he was back inside with Dan.

It had been over a month since Dan and Phil met.

After that incident when Phil was drunk, it took Dan a while to talk to him. Eventually, though, he did call.

_Phil took a deep breath and knocked on the door. What he expected was some sort of deep conversation about all Dan's problems and insecurities and how he didn't want them to be a serious thing._

_What Phil received was being shoved into a wall and practically attacked by soft lips._

_"Hi," Phil greeted, surprised and breathless._

_"Hey," He replied before taking Dan's lips again._

_It was as if nothing had changed._

Dan was so confusing. He couldn't keep up with this boy. One minute, Dan was all over Phil, the next he wanted nothing to do with him.

Phil was trying so hard to keep himself from feeling actual emotions around him, but touching him and kissing him and being with him felt so much better if Phil did. The issue was, if Phil let himself feel amazing when he was with Dan, he'd feel terrible when he was without him.

 **_Kissing up on fences  
_ ** ******_And up on walls  
_ ** ** ** ******_On the way home  
_ ** ** ** **************_I guess it's all working out, now_**

"I'll walk you back if you want," An amused voice spoke, startling Phil out of his thoughts.

Phil looked over to see Dan, holding a cigarette, seeming to have just walked around the corner. Phil realized that he'd only made it around the corner after leaving Dan's house.

Phil smiled sheepishly. "Sorry, got distracted, I guess," Phil explained, looking Dan over. He looked amazing, having put on a new outfit. He wore skinny jeans, and Phil couldn't help but notice he was wearing a familiar green sweater. Phil must've left it behind on one of his visits.

Phil walked towards him, pushing him against the chain link fence behind him. Phil kissed him softly. "You look good," he informed, and whined, "I don't wanna go."

"We have school tomorrow," Dan reminded, between kisses.

"Important to keep my grades up, thanks for reminding me,  _bad boy,_ " Phil teased, playing with the string of Dan's- _technically Phil's-_  hoodie.

"Education is important," Dan said, smirking, "Now go on," He spoke, kissing Phil again, "I'll see you next weekend."

Phil furrowed his brow. "I'll see you tomorrow won't I?"

"I guess so," he whispered. He put a hand on Phil's chest, "But not like this."

And just like that he was gone. He walked away, without looking back, wearing  _Phil's_  green sweater.

 **_'Cause there's still too long to the weekend  
_ ** **_Too long 'til I drown in your hands_** _  
_ **_Too long since I've been a fool, oh_**

As Phil walked away, there was one thing he could conclude; Phil couldn't wait until this weekend. It was clear Dan wanted Phil to be his secret. He didn't want anyone else to think they were a couple. So at school, they wouldn't be able talk let alone make out.

Phil just wanted to be in his arms forever. He wanted to feel Dan's lips on his forever. Phil wanted to hold his hand and laugh with him and...

Where did these feelings come from? Phil wondered all of a sudden. Making out, sleeping with him, those were all lust-filled notions, nothing more. The hand holding, the cuddling, the laughing and domestic stuff? That was definitely not pure lust.

_Nope._

Phil stopped himself before he could think too much into it. He just walked back up into my apartment.

* * *

Phil walked alongside PJ who was going on about something or the other, but Phil was hardly paying attention. His thoughts were very much occupied by the boy in a black jacket in the shadows.

"Phil?"

Dan was standing alone, smoking as per usual. Phil wondered if he had any simple friends. He wondered if he wanted any. He wondered why he smoked. He wondered why he wanted a simple fuck-buddy, instead of an actual relationship. He wondered why he needed an escape.

There wasn't anything Phil didn't seem to wonder about Dan Howell.

"PHIL?!" A voice asked, moving a hand in front of my face.

Phil snapped out of it, and looked back over at PJ. "Sorry Peej!" he exclaimed, realizing he hadn't heard a thing he said.

PJ shook his head. "Who's that you're ogling over?" He questioned, looking in the direction Phil had been looking to see Dan.

"Ahh," He realized, "Didn't you two talk at my party?"

Phil chuckled a little. "Yeah, we talked." Then we fucked in your guest bedroom. No big deal.

 **_Leave this blue neighbourhood  
_ ** ******_Never knew loving could hurt this good, oh  
_ ** ** ** ********_And it drives me wild_

Ugh it was only 4th period and Phil was going crazy. He couldn't get Dan out of his mind. And, call him crazy, but he was sure Dan was doing this all on purpose. Whenever Phil passed him in empty halls he'd look Phil me and wink. Not that he didn't do that to everyone. It was rather awkward actually. And when Phil saw him in class he'd bite his lip and look Phil over, and then he'd act casual like nothing had happened.

Phil was climbing the walls. Why'd he have to do this to Phil?! At lunch, Phil couldn't think anything without Dan barging into his thoughts screaming, "REMEMBER HOW SEXY I AM?!!"

Phil sighed exasperatedly.

"Phil, you alright?" Chris asked, giving Phil a strange look.

"Yeah I just, I gotta go, real quick. I forgot something," Phil decided, standing up and walking down the vacant halls of the school to the back.

 **_'Cause when you look like that  
_ ** ******_I've never ever wanted to be so bad, oh  
_ ** ** ** ********_It drives me wild_

He found Dan at the back of the school in the same spot where they first met. Dan was smoking again. He wondered how many of those he had a day. Phil had only seen him smoke one today, though, so he supposed that wasn't much.

Also, Dan looked freaking hot, okay? His hair was messy, falling into his eyes, and he didn't bother to move it back into place. He looked down at his phone, taking a drag every couple of seconds. He just looked...amazing.

Phil was no bad boy like Dan Howell. Phil was, in fact, a very nice person, and no one knew he had any issues in his life. Phil never did anything wrong. But oh my god, for Dan,he wanted to be so bad. As gross, sexual, and cheesy as that sounded.

"Dan," Phil greeted.

He looked up and pulled out an earphone, smirking at me. "Heya Phil, what's up?" He asked casually.

"No no no no," I told him.

"What?"

"You can't just act casual like that," Phil said, moving closer to him, "Like you don't know what you've been doing to me all day," he whispered, now close to his face.

 **_You're driving me wild, wild, wild  
_ ** ******_You're driving me wild, wild, wild  
_ ** ** ** ********_You're driving me wild_

"Whatever do you mean?" Dan asked, flashing wide innocent eyes.

Phil rolled his eyes and wrapped his arms around Dan's neck, pulling him in for a playful kiss.

"Phil!" Dan exclaimed, smiling, "Someone could see."

"I don't care. Besides, no one's around," Phil replied, kissing him again.

Dan smiled into the kiss, and pushed Phil back against the school's wall. He starting kissing down Phil's jaw and neck.

"Dan..." Phil breathed out, "You're driving me crazy."

"I know," he replied with a cocky smirk.

Phil went in to kiss him again, but the school bell rang. Dan smirked again. "Sorry babe," He spoke, keeping the smirk, "Gotta get to class." And he walked away without another word, leaving Phil with a rather awkward problem just below the belt.

* * *

_**White noise in my mind  
** ****_Won't calm down  
_ ** ** ****_You're all I think about_****_

_I hate you_. Phil mouthed to Dan as he passed him in the halls after 5th period. He merely smirked at Phil. Asshole. Phil just wanted to get out of here so he could have Dan all to himself.

Why was Phil feeling like this?! It was only two days ago that he and Dan were last together. Dan wasn't supposed to be anything more than an escape.

 **_Running on the music  
_ ** ******_And night highs  
_ ** ** ** ****_But when the light's out  
_ ** ** **********_It's me and you now, now_**

Phil muddled through the rest of the day, running on the memory of the night a few days ago, and sneakily listening to music, until  _finally_  school was out. He raced to where he knew Dan's last class was. As soon as he walked out the door, Phil grabbed Dan's arm and pulled him into the shadows.

"What the- Phil," He greeted, smiling.

"You've got to finish what you've started,  _Daniel,_ " Phil spoke lowly.

 **_'Cause there's still too long to the weekend  
_ ** ******_Too long till I drown in your hands  
_ ** ** ** ********_Too long since I've been a fool, oh_

"It's only Wednesday," He said, obviously amused.

Phil rolled his eyes and pulled him in, kissing him hard.

"Hey Dan?" PJ's voice called, coming around the corner.

Phil pulled away quickly and stepped back.

"Just a sec!" He called back and PJ walked away. "Sorry Phil," he said, still wearing that annoying smirk, "I've got plans." He gave me a kiss on the lips, slipping a tiny bit of tongue into my mouth, before pulling back. That little tease. "See you Friday, Phil," He said all too cheerfully before walking away and joining PJ.

_Damn you, Howell._

* * *

Walking home was torture. Why couldn't Phil think about anything other than Dan?! Alright, alright,  _English_. He had a huge essay due next week. He should work on it when he got home because he was gonna be with Dan this weekend.

Dan. This weekend. English essay. This weekend. Dan. Dan. Dan.

"Ughh," Phil groaned, walking into my flat and collapsing on my couch.

 **_Leave this blue neighbourhood  
_ ** ******_Never knew loving could hurt this good, oh  
_ ** ** ** ********_And it drives me wild_

After half an hour of attempting to focus on anything else, Phil decided he had to get out of here, go somewhere to get his mind off of everything. He would've called one of my friends like Chris or Louise to talk, but he couldn't tell them about Dan. Phil got in his car and drove off, not really sure where he was going.

He ended up outside of a familiar apartment building. He smiled as he realized he'd subconsciously driven himself to her house. He parked and got out of my car.

I walked up to 31A and knocked. The door opened. A beat of silence.

"PHIL!" A voice exclaimed, excitedly, as a girl threw herself into my arms.

Phil laughed. "Hey Mickey," he greeted, hugging her back.

She slapped Phil across the arm. "It's been forever! Where've you been?!" She demanded in her prominent American-Californian accent.

Phil smiled, "I've got a lot to tell you," he told her, inviting himself in.

Before Phil, stood Michelle Stewart. She was tall, for a girl, but short compared to him. She had straightened, short, brown hair in a bobcut that hung around her ears, and black glasses. Come to think of it, she looked a bit like the female version of Dan.

Michelle (or "Mickey") was one of Phil's best friends. Phil had met her in LA when he was staying with his family there over the summer. They'd quickly become friends. She had moved here a year ago. She was  _supposed_  to be living with her aunt, but she'd moved out by herself. Her aunt didn't care about her anyways. She still had an American accent (to her own dismay).

"Alright," she said, sitting across from me at the table, "Catch me up."

Phil told her the stories about meeting a bad boy, fucking him at a party later, how they'd become kind of like friends with benefits but not exactly, and his weird feelings. Phil didn't say his name though, because he  _was_  divulging Dan's deepest secrets.

"So my professional diagnosis," Mickey decided, holding a notepad on which she had scribbled doodles of cats and the phrase;  _Philly's in luvvvv_. "Is that you're in love with him."

"I don't know. He's not...he's just a..." What was he even?

"Just someone who you cuddle with? Laugh with? Party with? Make out with? Have sex with? PHIL, OPEN YOUR EYES YOU'RE MARRIED." Mickey exclaimed, shaking my shoulders.

Phil's eyes widened and he giggled to himself, having missed Mickey's energy and quirks. "I don't know if I'd go that far."

"Well still, he obviously means more to you than just a fuck buddy," She decided.

Phil nodded, maybe Dan did. Maybe Phil  _was_  falling for Dan.

"Anyways, I've gotta go. I've got myself a hot date on Skype," Mickey winked. She still kept in touch with a few friends from Cali.

Phil promised her to keep her up to date and drove home. He felt a lot better having talked things out, but also weighed down with what he'd just learned about himself and his feelings.

 **_'Cause when you look like that  
_ ** ******_I've never ever wanted to be so bad, oh  
_ ** ** ** ********_It drives me wild_

On his way back to his place, Phil passed Dan smoking in an alleyway again. Phil simply drove past. He didn't want to talk to Dan right now. He needed to get my mind off of him and his stupid tight jeans, soft lips, warm eyes, and his brilliant smile... Christ.

He just got Phil so worked up. He sighed. Phil had never done anything like this before, just had a meaningless sexual partner, but he could tell that with Dan, he'd do quite a few things that I never thought he would do.

Phil sighed and tried to focus on his homework, without the thought of Dan driving him wild.

* * *

 **_You're driving me wild, wild, wild  
_ ** ******_You're driving me wild, wild, wild  
_ ** ** ** **_You're driving me wild, wild, wild_ _  
__You're driving me wild, wild, wild_  **

 _Hey Dan.  
_ _-PL_

 _I'm bored._  
_-PL_

 _And lonely._  
_-PL_

 _i'm home alone_  
_-DH_

What was that? He was asking Phil over? It was Thursday, a school day. This boy was an enigma. Whatever. Phil wanted to see him.

He'd been doing things to Phil that Phil couldn't explain. He made Phil's heart beat out of his chest with just a glance. He made it hurt when he wasn't around, and if he fancied, he could probably just crush it.

* * *

 **_You make my heart shake  
_ ** ******_Bend and break  
_ ** ** ** ****_But I can't turn away  
_ ** ** ****_And it's driving me wild  
_ ** ** **********_You're driving me wild_**

Phil kissed Dan, pushing him against his front door, feeling his perfect body beneath Phil's. Phil's heart was beating fast. Dan was like a drug. The more Phil tasted, the more he craved. And the withdrawal was hell. But Phil couldn't quit him. He made Phil feel too good.

 **_Leave this blue neighbourhood  
_ ** ******_Never kne_****** ** _w loving could hurt this good, oh_ _  
_ _And it drives me wild_**

"Hey Dan?" Phil asked all of a sudden, pulling away. "Let's get out of here."

"What?"

"Let's leave this neighborhood, this town. Just for the weekend," Phil proposed.

"What about school? What about our families?" He asked.

"We can miss one day of school. My family won't mind if I'm gone. C'mon Dan, let's just get away," Phil begged. And sure this might be considered moving to fast as they'd met a mere month and a half ago, but Phil didn't care. It felt  _right_.

Dan searched Phil's eyes as if to see if he was actually serious. "Okay," he decided after a moment's silence, "Let's go right now," he whispered, pulling Phil into a kiss. "Go get some stuff, yeah? And be back here in a half an hour or less?"

Phil grinned and replied, "Perfect." Then he hurried home to pack.

~•~•~

 **_'Cause when you look like that  
_ ** ******_I've never ever wanted to be s_****** ** _o bad, oh_ _  
_ _It drives me wild_**

Phil looked over to his right to see Dan sitting in the passenger's seat, wearing Phil's green hoodie. He smiled at Phil. Phil had never done something like this before- snuck off, ran away, ditched school- but for Dan, he wasn't even questioning his impulses. Phil smiled to himself excitedly, as they drove off.

 **_You're driving me wild, wild, wild  
_ ** ******_You're driving me wild, wild, wild  
_ ** ** ** ****_You're driving me wild, wild, wild  
_ ** ** **********_You're driving me wild, wild, wild_**

Dan's hand found its way to Phil's thigh, and he kept it there. He met Phil's eyes and smiled innocently like nothing was up.

It felt like the end to some cheesy romance movie as they drove off into the sunset with Dan's hand on Phil's thigh, him wearing Phil's hoodie.

Phil smiled to myself. Maybe he  _was_  falling for Dan Howell.


	5. Touch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _standing in the eye of the storm, my eyes start to roam, to the curl of your lips, in the center of eclipse, in total darkness i,[i reach out and touch](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U05QfLENZA8)_

**Chapter Five**  
- _Touch-_

Dan and Phil had switched out an hour into the drive. Phil was now fast asleep in the passenger's seat. Unfortunately, he had neglected to inform Dan where they were actually going. He looked too cute to wake up. Dan decided he'd just surprise him, and bring him someplace special.

Dan didn't know what he was doing. Going away with Phil for the weekend? This wasn't something two casual fuck-buddies did. This was something dedicated boyfriends did. Yet it didn't feel wrong. It was exciting. It was like anything could happen, but they weren't obligated to each other. Dan actually liked it just the way it was.

Dan didn't want to think. He didn't want to listen to his conscience. He didn't want to listen to reason. He just wanted to kiss Phil.

He smiled to himself at his decision. He knew, in the back of his mind, that it couldn't stay like this forever, but he was going to enjoy it while it lasted.

* * *

"Where are we?" Phil asked yawning and stretching.

"It's a surprise," Dan answered, pressing a kiss to his forehead.

 _What was that_? Dan wondered immediately after. Then he stopped myself. Dan wasn't allowed to think this trip, he just wanted to feel. No second guessing, no worrying about consequences, just doing what feels right.

So Dan smiled and opened the car door. "Stay here," he ordered, "and no peeking."

Phil smiled at Dan, visibly surprised by his change of attitude towards Phil. Dan merely shot him a smile before walking onto a path which he had parked down the road from.

* * *

Phil smiled as Dan got out of the car. What had gotten into him? Phil wasn't going to complain, though, it was amazing. Perhaps it was best not to look this gift horse in the mouth.

He tapped anxiously on the dashboard wondering what Dan had in store. He looked out of the window. The street seemed pretty unremarkable, dreary apartment buildings, little shops, stuff like that. Dan had walked through a gate and into a fenced off little yard. He walked down the path and disappeared from view. Hmm.

After a few more minutes, Dan walked back, grinning widely. He had such a gorgeous smile. Phil just wished he could see it all the time. Phil stared at him, loving that he had contributed to Dan's happiness. Dan got back into the driver's seat of the car and started it again.

Phil raised an eyebrow at him but he merely grinned again. "As I said before," he reminded, "Sur-prise." He pronounced slowly.

"Fine," Phil said, pouting.

Dan smiled cheekily again, and drove us down the street a little. "Close your eyes," He requested all of a sudden.

"What?"

"C'mon I wanna surprise you!" Dan exclaimed, "Here," he reached into the back seat and pulled a sock out of his backpack.

"Oi!" Phil exclaimed as he wrapped the sock around Phil's head, covering my eyes.

"Don't worry it's clean." He laughed, tying it.

"Hmm..." Phil mumbled quietly, "Kinky."

Dan giggled again. Phil smiled at the beautiful sound, once again happy with himself for having brought upon his happiness.

They continued to drive. After a while, Phil felt the car come to a halt. Dan rolled down the window and Phil could hear him shifting to find something. He mumbled a few words that were undecipherable to me, and Phil heard the creaking of a gate opening. They drove slowly, going down hill. Phil wanted to peek, but he also didn't want to spoil the surprise.

Finally they came to a stop and Dan notified Phil that they had parked. He instructed Phil to remain blindfolded as he got out of the car and opened Phil's door. He took Phil's hand and helped Phil out. Being extremely uncoordinated even with his eye sight, Phil was a mess trying to move around blindfolded. Dan was laughing hysterically as he tried to help Phil get over a curb.

"Okay, now there're steps, Phil," He explained and Phil stepped up, landing on a stair. He continued stepping upwards for a while on this outdoor staircase.

"How many more? Oh my god, this is like a work out," Phil complained.

"Just a bit more," Dan chuckled, his hand gripping Phil's tightly, leading him slowly upwards.

Phil only knew he had reached the end of the staircase when he had the horrific experience of expecting a stair when he was actually out of stairs to step up on. Dan laughed at Phil's surprised yelp and Phil heard the sound of a key in a lock. A door opened.

By now, Phil was starting to get antsy. What if Dan had just been pretending to be nice to Phil and was actually taking him to a secret government base to be experimented on? Granted, that was pretty unlikely, but still.

Dan led Phil into the room and he felt his feet now padding along carpet, then tile, then back into the cold outside air. Dan stopped him.

"Can I look  _now_?" Phil asked whinily.

Instead of a reply, Phil was surprised to feel his lips press against Phil's. He smiled into the kiss. "Okay," he said laughing as he pulled away, "Take a look." And he pulled off my blindfold/sock.

Phil gasped at the sight before him. He was stood on a balcony overlooking the open water. They were up about three stories. Just below them, the sea shore. The waves looked golden as the sunset. It looked absolutely gorgeous. It was like a cheesy romance film. It was amazing.

Dan wrapped his arms around Phil from behind, nuzzling into Phil's neck. A gesture that seemed much too natural for someone Phil met a month ago. "So what d'you think?" He asked.

"Wow," Phil breathed out, "This place is beautiful, Dan. Where are we?"

"My aunt rented this place for my cousin, but the owners won't let her use it to live in until she's 18, so she let me stay in it for the weekend," Dan explained. "Wait until you see the inside," He whispered.

Phil turned around and looked at the flat he had just walked through. The carpets were white. Good thing Phil didn't live here, or they'd be stained many different colors. There was a small black and white tile kitchen attached to a quaint little dining room with hard wood floors. The table was set and had candles on it. There was a living room with a black couch, two matching black chairs, and a television on a black stand. Lots of black and white. Dan and his cousin were definitely related. There was a hallway with three doors which I assumed led to bedrooms and a bathroom.

"This place is beautiful, Dan," Phil spoke in awe.

Dan smiled proudly. He took Phil's hand and led him to the dining room table. "I even called ahead from the car and informed the staff that this would be a  _romantic_  get away," He informed, pulling out Phil's chair and motioning for Phil to sit.

"Well well well Mr. Howell, you're just a romantic at heart aren't you?" Phil smiled, sitting.

He took the chair opposite Phil and gave a wink. "Tell anyone and you're dead," He added.

Phil couldn't tell if he was joking or not so he brushed past it. Dan lifted the lid of a fancy, restaurant-like, dish in the middle to reveal a meal of-get this- combination pizza. Phil stifled a giggle.

"I'm not one for elaborate fancy meals," Dan explained, "I hope this is okay."

Phil smiled brightly at his-hell he didn't know what Dan was but he was making him smile so who really cared.

This entire thing was so romantic and cliché, but Phil absolutely loved it. They ate in comfortable silence. Every once in a while Phil would feel Dan's foot climbing up his pant leg or he'd reach over and brush the hair from Phil's face.

Phil shook his head and smiled, "What's gotten into you, Dan?" he asked.

"You," He replied, smirking.

Phil rolled his eyes.

"Seriously, Phil. You make me feel things...things that terrify me, but I'm not letting myself be scared, at least not now, not tonight," Dan continued.

Phil smiled again, surprised at the rare insight on Dan's feelings. "I'm glad," Phil said, reaching to give his hand a squeeze under the table, before taking another bite of pizza.

After a few more pieces of pizza and a few sips of wine-which was kept in a mini freezer here-Dan's innocent footsies had become less innocent.

Suddenly Dan whispered, "I should show you the bedroom." He stood and offered a hand. How well mannered.

Phil's eyes widened at the implication, but he wasted no time in taking the hand offered and standing. Phil leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to Dan's lips. "Oh yes, do show me," Phil requested.

Dan gripped Phil's hand, leading him down the hallway. He flung open the bedroom door and motioned for me to enter.

The bedroom was pretty big. Candles were set up in here as well. The bed sheets were black and red. The whole setting was quite soft and romantic.

**_Glow is low and it's dimming_ **   
**_And the silence is ringing_ **   
**_And I can almost feel your breath_ **   
**_I can almost feel the rest_ **

Phil wrapped his arms slowly around Dan's neck. "This is nice," he whispered.

"Mhmm," Dan hummed back. He paused, smiled, and pulled out his phone. He put on some music and turned it up.

"Nice touch," Phil praised, putting his arms back where they had been.

Dan sighed happily, eyes closed, as his arms slithered around Phil's waist. His hips swayed to the music and he moved even closer to Phil, pressing up against him. Dan hummed along quietly to the music.

Dan was practically grinding on Phil now, his breath hot on Phil's neck. Phil kissed him on the mouth, sweetly but passionately. Their tongues danced together to the music. Dan pulled away singing the lyrics to the song softly in Phil's ear, "I can feel us getting closer, closer..." He whisper-sang, and Phil started kissing down his neck-one of his most sensitive regions. He leaned his head to the side to grant Phil better access, still singing the romantic, applicable, song.

"You're so amazing, Dan," Phil breathed, between kisses.

"Only for you," He answered, chuckling ever so slightly.

Phil held Dan's jaw in his hands, kissing him again. He was putty in Phil's hands already, doing whatever Phil directed. Phil led him slowly to the bed, pushing him down onto it. He looked up at Phil, a smile on his face and a light in his eyes. He looked so gorgeous, Phil just wanted to see him like this forever, but he pulled Phil down for kiss, breaking their gaze.

**_Night is young and we're living_ **   
**_Hands move, moving steady_ **   
**_And the time is moving slower_ **   
**_I can feel we're getting closer, closer_ **

Phil's hands moved from Dan's face down his sides and to his ass, squeezing lightly, emitting a girlish moan from Dan. He blushed and Phil giggled slightly at his adorableness. He smiled at Phil and pulled him in again.

Phil started kissing and sucking at his neck as soon as his lips left Phil's. Phil knew his actions would leave hickeys. He smiled a little at the thought of Dan all marked up because of him. When people saw his neck and the way he and Phil looked at each other and grinned, remembering the night Phil gave them to him, they'd know Dan was Phil's. All Phil's.

This was so weird. Dan and Phil had known each other for what, a month and a half? And Phil already thought he was falling for him. How Dan was right now, smiling, giggling, kissing Phil without hesitation, having freaking candles in their bedroom for a more romantic effect, why couldn't he just be like this all the time? Why'd he put on such a show? He was obviously happier this way.

"Phil?" Dan asked, bringing Phil's attention back to the real world. He wore a concerned look, as he stared into Phil's eyes. "Are you okay?" Phil realized he'd been staring at Dan. The two of them were now in a sitting position. Dan's legs were around Phil's waist and his arms were around Phil's neck.

Phil smiled. "Perfect," he whispered, kissing Dan again. Phil laid him back down on the bed kicking off his shoes and socks.

Phil trailed his hand down Dan's figure, stopping and hooking a finger in his belt loop. Phil felt him kick off his own shoes and socks beneath him. Phil slid his hands down Dan's side slowly, dragging his hand lightly over his crotch. Dan's shirt remained on yet again. Phil wished he could remember just how Dan had look d the first night, no insecurity, stopped completely. But Phil wasn't going to tell him to take it off if he was comfort this way. Maybe it was a sort of barrier, keeping them from fully merging themselves, giving Dan a small bit of distance still.

"Phil," he whined.

"Shh," Phil whispered, breath hot on his neck, "We've got all night."

"Fine," Dan breathed out, rolling over so he was on top of Phil. Music continued to play in the background, as he began kissing down Phil's neck. He worked on the buttons on Phil's shirt before tearing it open and sliding his hands down his chest, smirking. Dan looked so good in this light with his hair sticking to his slightly sweaty forehead, curling at the ends due to the dampness. He bit his lip, looking Phil over. He straddled Phil's waist, Phil naked beneath him, and Dan still wearing a sweater.

This wasn't a hasty, desperate, 'need-you-right-here-right-now' kind of night. They were going to take their time, and make it last. Make sure neither of them regretted this one bit. Make sure it was nice and worth it.

**_Standing in the eye of the storm_ **   
**_My eyes start to roam_ **   
**_To the curl of your lips_ **   
**_In the center of eclipse_ **   
**_In total darkness I, I reach out and touch_ **

Because to be completely honest, Phil didn't know if he'd ever be able to be with Dan like this again, in this special, non-hesitant, romantic, way. They had finally escaped the world and every one of their problems, even if it was just for the weekend.

Phil sat up, staring intently into Dan's chocolate brown eyes. He wrapped his legs around Phil's waist, and Phil let his gaze slip down his face to his beautiful lips, just ready to be kissed.

This was supposed to be taken slowly, but with Dan looking like that, Phil couldn't wait one more second. He lunged forward, kissing Dan with a new fire. His hands slipped underneath Dan's shirt, pulling it off, and he began working on Dan's jeans.

"I thought we had all night," Dan teased.

Phil merely shut him up with another kiss.

* * *

Dan woke up, immediately smiling when he felt Phil's body against his own. He had an arm wrapped tightly around Dan's shoulders and Dan's head rested in his shoulder crevasse. Dan smiled at how much one simple gesture could make him feel. Phil made Dan feel so incredibly happy, a feeling which both thrilled and terrified him.

Dan slowly, carefully, slid out of Phil's arms. He whined in his sleep and clutched onto the covers in search of the missing warmth. Dan smiled fondly at him before walking to the bathroom and getting in the shower.

When Dan got out, he straightened his hair, pulled on a pair of beach-friendly clothes, and walked back into the bedroom. Phil sat on the side of the bed, scrolling through his phone.

"Hey," Phil greeted smiling as Dan walked in. He looked Dan over. Dan was wearing a button up white shirt covered in moths (irony) and he was actually wearing shorts. Phil walked up to Dan, kissing me. "Morning."

Dan smiled kissing him back. "We're so sappy this trip aren't we? All romantic and shit?" Dan giggled.

"Well it  _is_  a  _romantic_  getaway. When we get home we can go back to calling each other names, making fun of each other's clothes, and pretending we don't know each other in public," Phil decided.

"Sounds good to me." Dan agreed, "Now hurry up and go get dressed, I have a whole day planned."

Phil raised an eyebrow, "Now who's the sappy one?" He asked, walking away.

Dan rolled my eyes and watched him walk off.

* * *

**_My mind's gone on racing_ **   
**_On a horse that's escaping_ **   
**_And I'm ready to jump,_ **   
**_Yeah, I'm ready to swim_ **

Dan and Phil walked side by side along the shore, their hands intertwined and swinging between us. Phil was wearing an absolutely hideous Hawaiian shirt and matching shorts, but Dan could care less. He still looked absolutely gorgeous. The quiet was peaceful. The only sound was the crash of waves against the shore and the crush of sand beneath the two boys' bare feet.

Dan wished it could stay like this forever. No worries, no problems, no labels, just two people who enjoy being in each other's presence. Here with Phil, Dan was far away from all of his problems and he never wanted to go home. Dan sighed as he realized he would have to go home at the end of the weekend.

"Hey," Phil asked, brushing his shoulder against Dan's, "You okay?"

Dan squeezed his hand. "I wish it could be like this all the time," He answered, quietly.

Phil looked at Dan with his his silver-blue eyes, like the moon in the blue sky above them. "Why can't it be?" He asked, hopefully.

Dan sighed. "It...it just can't."

"But-" Phil started.

Dan stopped turning towards him, "Please, Phil, don't, okay? Let's just enjoy this weekend," Dan said, interlocking his other hand with Phil's free one, facing him.

Phil sighed, giving in, "Alright." And they leaned forward, pressing their lips together.

When they broke away, Phil led Dan off toward a dock in the distance. The beach house they were staying at was a ways outside their town and the beach was rather secluded, so they could be as coupley as we wanted.

Phil led Dan onto the pier and to the very end of it. They sat on the edge, feet dangling off, hands still intertwined. Dan stared as far as he could see. The ocean seemed to go on forever. He wondered what would happen if they just sailed straight ahead and never looked back. Then again the deep seas terrified Dan. He was suddenly conscious of Phil staring at him.

Dan turned to face him, "What?" He asked, a smile tugging at his lips.

"You're beautiful," Phil whispered, pulling Dan into a kiss. He pulled away, and grinned at Dan with a mischievous look about him. Before Dan could say anything he pulled Dan into another kiss, wrapped his arms around Dan': waist, and pulled them both off the side of the jetty.

Dan pulled back, "PHIL!" I exclaimed, swimming upwards, "You mother-" Dan splashed him.

Phil giggled and swam over to Dan. Dan wrapped his arms around Phil's neck. He kicked his feet, struggling to keep the two of them afloat. Dan giggled again and pulled him into a kiss. They sank underwater, still kissing. Underwater kiss. Never had one of those before.

They came up, breathless and grinning like mad. They swam along the dock all the way back to the shore. Dan collapsed on the beach, breathless.

"Well that's my exercise for the year done and over with," Dan spoke.

Phil laid beside him, intertwining their fingers again. They both turned to face each other and grinned. Dan's face was actually starting to hurt, he hadn't smiled this much in his entire life.

**_Life is chances that are taken_ **   
**_But nothing's ever broken_ **   
**_They're just pieces on the ground_ **   
**_New hands need to build them_ **

"What are your parents gonna say when you get back home?" Phil asked casually as we walked back to the beach house.

Dan shrugged. "I don't particularly care," he responded coldly.

"Think they'll be worried?" Phil asked, despite Dan's obvious discomfort with the subject.

"Doubt it," Dan muttered.

"Hey, I'll bet they really do care about you," Phil assured.

Dan rolled his eyes at his positivity. Dan doubted that his mother even knew how to care anymore. He just looked over at Phil, "Well it doesn't matter," he spoke. Phil gave a questioning glance to which Dan explained, "I have you."

Phil smiled and tightened his grip on Dan's hand as he led him up the stairs to the beach house's front door.

* * *

**_My mind's gone on running_ **   
**_My hands cut loose_ **   
**_Yeah, but there's no need for answers_ **   
**_Just the things you gotta do_ **

The clean water splashed over Phil's body, sand collecting on the shower floor. Phil wondered what Dan and he would do next. He didn't care whatever it was, anything with Dan would be perfect.

Damn, he really was falling hard, wasn't he? It was sad. Dan did things to him that he could hardly comprehend. Phil didn't know where this was all going. He didn't know if Dan knew where this was going. Did Dan care about Phil in the same way Phil did or did he just want to feel good about himself? If he did care about Phil, would he ever admit it?

So many unanswered questions. Phil dried off his hair, tying a towel around his waist and walking out of the bathroom towards the bedroom.

When he saw Dan there, smirking, lips closed, Phil just wanted to kiss him. So he did, ignoring the questions in the back of his mind about rushing into things and diving headfirst just to get his heart broken by the bad boy.

**_And I need you to trust_ **   
**_That I'm lost and we must_ **   
**_Get past all these rules_ **   
**_We must choose_ **   
**_To reach out and touch_ **

Dan pulled away, properly smiling at Phil. He started off to shower himself, but Phil grabbed his hand, stopping him. "Wait, Dan..." He started.

Dan turned back to Phil, regarding him quizzically.

Phil took a deep breath and asked nervously, "What, what are we? You and I?"

He smiled softly, sitting beside me, sighing. "Do we really have to put a label on our relationship?" He asked, "Can't we just be two people who like being together and don't really care what their status is?"

Phil shrugged. That seemed too complicated. "I don't know..."

Dan smiled softly, kissed Phil on the cheek, and stood. "Think about it, okay?" He asked, exiting the room.

Phil watched him walk off. Why couldn't we just be together? But I knew the answer. Dan obviously had problems he wasn't willing to share with me. He didn't need nor want a relationship to maintain on top of that. Phil sighed and fell back onto the bed.

Then again, maybe Phil shouldn't be getting involved in his life. He was the bad boy, who smoked, drank, and slept around. Why would Phil want to be involved with him?

Maybe after this weekend they should just part ways.

Phil stood up, making his decision, and deciding he should tell Dan so they were on the same page. He walked into the bathroom, assuming Dan hadn't gotten in the shower yet as the water wasn't running.

**_Standing in the eye of the storm_ **   
**_My eyes start to roam_ **   
**_To the curl of your lips_ **   
**_In the center of eclipse_ **   
**_In total darkness I, reach out and..._ **

"Hey Dan, I need to tell you-" Phil paused in his tracks, eyes flickering over the figure in front of him. Dan was naked, fully naked, and Phil's eyes weren't drawn to his cute ass or his smooth chest, no. Phil's eyes immediately found themselves stuck on the cuts littering the skin of Dan's arms. There were scars as well as freshly scabbed over ones, and Phil's breath caught in his throat. How could he not remember this from their first night together? Was he  _that_  drunk? He supposed it wasn't just insecurity that led Dan to keep his upper body covered the few times they'd had sex.

"Dan..." he breathed out finally, and Dan scrambled to cover himself up, wrapping a towel around his waist and crossing his arms over his chest.

"Phil, please, just--it's not a big deal--"

Phil's mouth hung open slightly and he had no idea how to react. He and Dan weren't close enough for this yet, were they? Could Phil even mention anything?

Suddenly Phil was sure of one thing. He couldn't leave Dan, not now. He had to do what he could to help.

"God, I--I'm so sorry," Phil rushed out, leaving the bathroom.

Dan bit his lip, watching him go. "It's okay," he murmured softly.

**_Standing in the eye of the storm_ **   
**_My eyes start to roam_ **   
**_To the curl of your lips_ **   
**_In the center of eclipse_ **   
**_In total darkness I reach, I reach out and touch_ **


	6. Fun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _let's go have[fun](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IP3cMBq1blY), you and me in the old jeep, shooting at rocks, bullets cocked in the midday_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ngl i forgot this fic existed, but i'm back! with two chapters to make up for it 
> 
> this song was basically impossible to apply to dan and phil in this story so: yay tragic backstory!!
> 
> also!! i don't mean to insult or offend anyone by the way war and soldiers are portrayed in this chapter. i don't know much about british government, and also i was approaching it from the outlook that troye's song did

 

 ******_But don't you wanna see the world, boy?_ **  
**_All the countries and the stars, boy?_ **  
**_Just don't look them in the eyes, boy_ **  
**_You just gotta take their lives, boy_ **  
**_Let me take you for a drive, boy_ **  
**_Oh I swear you'll feel alive, boy_ **

_ January 20th _

_I saw my father today. He gave me some..news._

_My father is a war veteran. After the war ended he had been unable to give it up so he stayed and remained a general. He has been to this day. He and I don't speak often. In fact, the last time I actually saw him in person was Daniel's birth nearly two and a half years ago._

_Today he called me over to his place saying that he had important news and a proposition to make. As it turns out he had a certain formal letter to give me. He wanted me to go back with him to Afghanistan and join his forces._

_I rejected at first, obviously. I have a job, a wife, a baby. I couldn't let Daniel grow up with one parent missing like I did, and I couldn't leave Mary behind. But my father continued to press me. He got into my head, glorifying the experience of warfare._

_"I'm not a killer." I had insisted._

_To which he replied gravely, "You may not think you are, son, but when you're on the field with a loaded gun, running on pure adrenaline, with only the hopes of protecting your colleagues and surviving you'll do what it takes." That was when he met my eyes and told me, "And in all honesty, in that moment, you've never felt so alive." The look in his eyes had been a mix of nostalgia and madness._

_Some people suffer from PTSD but my father...he suffers from withdrawal. He craves the "thrill" of pulling a trigger and having it within his powers to take a life. He's been this way as long as I remember._

**_All you gotta do is trust that I'm being true_ **  
**_And do it for the people who love you_ **

_As I'd attempted to find any sort of argument he'd put a hand on my shoulder and said, "Trust me. It's the right thing to do."_

_I had to admit that his description of battle did sound somewhat appealing, and I did have a good cause to fight for. I was beginning to run out of reasons to refuse._

_"I haven't got any experience." Was my final objection._

_"We can fix that."_

**_Let's go have fun, you and me in the old Jeep_ **  
**_Ride around town with our rifles on the front seat_ **  
**_Fun, you and me in the Middle East_ **  
**_Shooting at rocks, bullets cocked in the midday_ **  
**_Son, you and me in the old Jeep_ **  
**_Ride around town with our rifles on the front seat_ **  
**_Fun, you and me in the Middle East_ **  
**_Shooting at rocks, bullets cocked in the midday_ **

_He led me out of the house and we loaded into his jeep. He handed me a gun. Having grown up with a father in the military, I had of course learnt how to handle firearms, but they made me uncomfortable. This was why I was inexperienced. I'd never go out shooting with my father, as I never wanted to end up like him._

_My father had me shoot at rocks and targets. I was actually a fairly good shot. Every bullet that left my gun sent my heart racing faster. I didn't know if I liked the sensation or not. Having so much power was absolutely terrifying._

_My father continued to train me up to be a right good little soldier. We spent the rest of the day shooting at various things whilst driving around the back roads of my father's home. My father continued to tell me how well I'd fit in with the rest his soldiers._

_Finally I agreed to join him. How the hell am I going to tell Mary?_

* * *

The images flashed through Dan's mind. His lifeless body hanging right before Dan's eyes. His feet dangled just above the ground. He swayed back and forth slightly. His arms were limp at his sides as if he was still in his stiff solider position. Blood trickled down his body, hailing from the broken skin around his neck. The blood stained the rope dark red. He seemed to stare down at Dan through drained, lifeless, eyes.

"D-daddy?" Dan asked, voice quiet.

The last thing he heard was his mother's scream as she walked into the room to see what had become of her husband.

Dan shot bolt upright, heart racing. The image of his father's dead, lifeless, body still fresh in his mind. Dan flinched when he felt a hand on his arm and almost instinctively slapped Phil across the face.

"Dan?" he asked, yawning, "Are you okay?"

Dan sat up, pulling his knees to his chest. He tried to focus on Phil sitting just beside him, but he couldn't get that image of his father to go away. "I'm fine," he promised Phil weakly, though Dan wasn't even close to that.

"Are you sure?" Phil asked, with genuine concern.

"Yeah." Dan's voice was shaky but he hoped Phil wouldn't notice. "J-Just a bad dream. Go back to sleep."

Phil wasn't fooled. He wrapped his arms around Dan, engulfing him in a soft, warm, embrace. Dan sat stiffly, feeling better that he had Phil with him, but not sure what to do with himself.

Dan felt strangely empty, devoid of all emotion. He was shaking but he couldn't feel anything. Well, he'd say "strangely," but for Dan this sensation came around often. Usually when confronted with it, he'd have a cigarette or cut myself, but he didn't have the means for either of these escapes. Dan felt panic well up inside him as he didn't know what to do. His breathing quickened and he was shaking horribly, anxiety taking over completely.

"Hey," Phil spoke gently, realizing Dan was on the precipice of a full-blown panic attack. He moved to sit beside Dan. "It's okay, Dan. You're okay. Tell me what I can do." His voice was soft, soothing.

Dan turned to look at Phil, cupping his face with his shaking hands. The light of the moon was reflected in his eyes. Dan just needed to  _feel_  something. "Kiss me," he requested quietly, shakily.

Phil moved his own hand up to the side of Dan's face. He leaned in slowly and pressed his lips to Dan's softly. Dan reveled in his touch and instantly felt the void inside of him fill back up and Dan's emotions were restored. He stopped shaking, and tears began to fall slowly from his eyes.

Phil pulled away looking over Dan's tear-dripping face. He pulled Dan into a hug and Dan buried his face in Phil's shoulder, trying to pull himself together. Dan didn't want to break down in front of Phil.

"You don't always have to be strong, Dan," Phil whispered, as if he could read Dan's thoughts.

That was all Dan needed to let go. He let the tears fall. He gripped tightly onto Phil, as though his very life depended on it, because in that moment, Dan felt that it did. The stupid memory of finding his father dead just wouldn't go away.

"Sometimes it helps to talk," Phil suggested.

Dan merely shook his head. He didn't want to talk. Not about this. Not to Phil.

Phil didn't press it. He simply wrapped his arms tightly around Dan and let him sob into his chest. "Shh," he whispered, "It's okay, Dan, I'm here." Phil stroked Dan's arm and he eventually calmed down a bit.

Dan laid there on his chest, listening to his heart beat steadily. "Thank you, Phil," he whispered.

Phil tightened his grip around Dan and kissed his forehead. "You're welcome, bear," he hummed.

Dan didn't have time to ponder the odd nickname as he was already slowly drifting back into unconsciousness.

* * *

 **_Son, listen to what I tell you  
_ ** **_You'll see, my son_ **  
**_Now you know what you gotta do_ **  
****_Let's go have fun_

_ January 22nd _

_I still haven't told Mary. How could I convince her that this was the right thing for me to do? I know what I have to do. I have to fight for what I believe to be right. My father has convinced me of that much. I'll tell her soon._

_\---_

_I've told her. She cried. I promised her everything would be fine, but I'm not sure I believe so myself. I leave next week. I'm going to try to spend as much time with Danny as possible before I have to go. I'm going to miss him so much._

_I hope that if something does happen to me Daniel will be able to read these entries and try to understand why I left him. I hope he'll remember how much I loved him._

**_When you're standing on the line, boy_ **  
**_Don't go looking for goodbye, boy_ **  
**_Yeah you gotta set them free, boy_ **  
**_'Cause you know that's what they need, boy_ **  
**_Yeah you're gonna make them proud, boy_ **  
**_'Til they put you in the ground, boy_ **

**_All you gotta do is trust that I'm being true_ **  
**_And do it for the people who love you_ **

_ February 12th _

_I miss Mary and Dan so much. Mary's_  
_written to me. She sent me pictures of Daniel. Says he's starting to be a bit mischievous, running around. I'm sorry that I can't be there to see it._

_I want to make them proud, though. I'm not exactly known for my heroism or bravery. Mary and Daniel deserve more. I have to keep going. For them._

* * *

Dan awoke wrapped tightly in Phil's arms, his head resting on Phil's chest. There was a wet patch on his shirt, which Dan concluded was caused by the tears Dan shed last night. Phil held Dan close, protectively, his chin resting on Dan's head. Dan smiled wearily. He wasn't used to this sort of affection.

Dan didn't want to get up ever. He was so perfectly content lying there with Phil, warm, comfortable. He could lay there and listen to him breathe all day long. His chest rose and fell steadily, and Dan couldn't help but think about how much he was going to miss Phil when they inevitably parted ways.

Dan was a bad person, all in all. He did bad things. He hurt people. But here he was laying in the arms of a practical angel. He didn't deserve someone like Phil Lester, and sooner or later, Dan knew that Phil would too see that.

Now, Phil thought Dan was some romantic, insecure, kid, haunted by his past. He wanted to protect Dan, hold him tight. Dan wondered when he would realize that Dan was nothing of the sort. Dan wasn't romantic, not usually. He just wanted an escape. He wasn't insecure...per say. He simply hated everything about himself. He wasn't a kid, he was a 17 year old, forced to grow up much too quickly. But he  _was_  in fact haunted by his father's death. It was his fault Dan's life was this way. Or maybe Dan just wanted someone to blame.

Dan suddenly felt very out of place in Phil's arms. He sat up, swallowing and refusing to look back at Phil. He wasn't, and would never, be good enough for him. He wasn't good enough for anyone. Bearing that in mind, Dan took to the shower.

* * *

Phil was just waking up when he felt Dan leave his arms. He watched through half-opened eyes as Dan walked toward the bathroom. He sighed, remembering what had transpired the night before. Dan had finally let Phil in, if only just a bit. Phil needed to know more. He  _needed_  to help Dan.

Since Dan was in the shower, Phil decided, being the moralistic person he was, to go through Dan's things. He knew he shouldn't. He mostly just wanted to see if he'd brought any blades or cigarettes. He hadn't seen him have a smoke all weekend, and he was actually quite proud. And none of the cuts Phil had seen seemed that fresh. Phil hoped that he filled a gap in Dan which he normally needed cigarettes and self-harm to fill. Though that was most likely wishful thinking.

Phil came across a brown, leather-bound, slightly damaged, journal, in the pocket of Dan's suitcase. Dan's diary? Oh God, What if it was one of those books people kept Of the date and amount of times they hurt themselves? Phil swallowed, and curiosity took over. He pulled it out. He opened to the first page where it was written in silver:  _William R. Howell_

William. Dan's father, perhaps? His eyes continued to scan the pages as if working of their own accord. The entries were mainly about Dan's father's time in the army. He skipped through a bit and found the last entries.

* * *

 ** _Let's go have fun, you and me in the old Jeep_ **  
**_Ride around town with our rifles on the front seat_ **  
**_Fun, you and me in the Middle East_ **  
**_Shooting at rocks, bullets cocked in the midday_ **  
**_Son, you and me in the old Jeep_ **  
**_Ride around town with our rifles on the front seat_ **  
**_Fun, you and me in the Middle East_ **  
**_Shooting at rocks, bullets cocked in the midday_ **

_ March 7th - A Year Later _

_I had grown accustomed to it all back in Afghanistan. I had killed without remorse. I had been shot at, I had even been gravely wounded._

_And I'd finally made it home, be it with a leg that didn't work as properly._

_Daniel's grown so much. I cried when I was reunited with my family. They all seemed to have changed so much. I was worried that Daniel would have forgotten me in all the time that I was away, but he hadn't. He ran up to me and shrieked "Daddy" at the top of his lungs as he threw himself into my arms. Passersby had watched and cooed at his adorableness. I made sure not to let him see me cry. He was too young to understand that people cry when they're happy as well. So extremely happy._

_I so wanted to stay happy, to revel in the brilliance of finally being back with the ones I love, but I couldn't. The battlefield had a completely different effect on me than it had on my father. I couldn't cope with the fact that I've taken actual human lives. At night I have nightmares, memories resurfacing. I can't take this anymore._

_My father's words may have been true to him, but they were lies to me. There was nothing fun or glorifying about this. It was just blood and tears._

**_Son, listen to what I tell you_ **  
**_You'll see, my son_ **  
**_Now you know what you gotta do_ **  
**_Let's go have fun_ **  
**_Let's go have fun_ **

_ April 18th _

_Dear Daniel,_

_I've tried so hard. I'm so sorry. I hope one day you'll be able to forgive me, for not being around, for leaving you and your mother. I hope one day you understand why I can't live with myself any longer._

_Promise me one thing, call it a dying man's wish. Never, ever, get involved in this crap. They'll tell you to follow in my footsteps, to uphold your family name, to avenge me. Don't listen to them, Daniel. If you're anything like me, just run. Run and never look back._

_You deserve a chance at a happy ending. Never forget that. Everyone deserves a chance._

_I love you._

_Your Father,_  
_Will Howell_

\---

_ June 11th _

_Dad-_

_Hey. Dan here. I go by Dan now, by the way. No one really calls me Daniel._

_I just needed to get some stuff off my chest. You've been gone for 12 years. I've been given this by Grandfather for my 15th birthday. He said it was time I read your story._

_I want so badly to forgive you. You were a hero. You saved people. But you couldn't save yourself. You left me behind. You left mum behind. You have no idea what a mess you left in your wake._

_My only memory of you that's left, seared into my brain, is of your hanging, dead, body. I can remember every single detail. Exactly how you looked, exactly how I felt._

_You didn't need to go away and be a hero. Because to me and mum you were already a hero. But now, you're the person who ruined my life._

_-Dan Howell_

* * *

_"Let's go have fun, you and me in the old Jeep  
_ _Ride around town with our rifles on the front seat,_  
_Fun, you and me in the Middle East_  
_Shooting at rocks, bullets cocked in the midday._  
_Son, you and me in the old Jeep_  
_Ride around town with our rifles on the front seat,_  
_Fun, you and me in the Middle East_  
_Shooting at rocks, bullets cocked in the midday._

* * *

"What are you doing?!" Dan demanded, harshly, walking into the room, hair wet and curling

"Dan! I—I'm sorry, I just saw and was too curious..." Phil stuttered.

Dan rushed over, ripping the journal from Phil's hands. "That's none of your business!" He snapped, "Now do us both a favor and stay out of my shitty problems."

Phil put a hand on Dan's arm, breath catching in his throat as he recalled what was underneath those sleeves. He withdrew his hand. "You don't have to be alone, Dan," he spoke softly.

"Yes, I do," Dan answered coldly, walking away, gripping the journal tightly.

Why couldn't Dan realize that Phil just wanted to help him?


	7. June Haverly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _[june haverly](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-iLlN5Xf6lQ) you're not to blame, no, not to blame and, june haverly, don't be ashamed, for all the pain _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just to brace you, the for the purpose of this story I've interpreted this song a bit differently.
> 
> skip to the end notes for a major TW

"Dan! Dan, wait I'm sorry!" Phil called, running after Dan. "Please! I just want to help you!" Dan locked himself in the bathroom. Phil knocked on the door. "Dan, please let me in. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you."

After a few minutes of listening to Dan cry through a door, Dan opened the door. His eyes were red, and he didn't meet Phil's. He looked down as he started walking back to the bedroom. Phil reached for his hand, "Dan, I—"

"No!" he snapped, pulling out of Phil's grip, "Trust me, you don't want to get this involved with me." He still wouldn't look up. "Thank you, for trying, and for these last few weeks. You're amazing, and I hope you know that no matter who you end up with for life, they won't be good enough for you," he spoke quickly, and before Phil could process Dan's words, his lips were on Phil's. Tears fell from his face onto Phil's, and Phil really  _really_  didn't want to let go. Dan pulled away and whispered, "But at least they'll be better than me."

He then took to his room quickly, and started packing his things away into his suitcase.

Phil watched him from the door, trying to find the words to say. Phil needed him. He couldn't let him go, not now. Not after this weekend. This weekend, Phil was given just a taste of what life with Dan could be like, if they could only get through everything. Phil had to help him. He just had to.

"Don't go," Phil requested. His voice came out quiet and desperate. He walked into the room, grabbed Dan's hand and whispered, "Please."

Dan wouldn't meet Phil's eyes yet again. He pulled his hand away and continued to shove things in his case.

"Dan, please, it's only Saturday. We still have two more days together. Please, just stay with me for the weekend," Phil requested, "Please."

If he'd just stay with Phil. If he'd just agree to stay tonight, then maybe—just maybe—Phil could convince him to never go. And maybe Phil was desperate to save Dan so that he could feel good about himself, but was that such a bad thing if Dan got saved in the process?

Dan stopped packing and nodded slowly. "Okay," he choked out, "I'll stay the rest of the weekend."

Dan sighed, relieved, and pulled him into a hug. They held tightly onto each other, and Dan cried quietly. Phil just squeezed his shoulders and whispered 'shh's to him. When he stopped crying, he pulled back and wiped his eyes, smiling wearily at Phil.

"Let's just enjoy ourselves, then," he suggested. "You gonna have a shower?" he asked, trying to act casual.

Phil shook his head. He didn't want to leave Dan's side. He wanted to make sure he'd be okay, that he'd stay here.

Dan and Phil had about 36 hours left together. Phil wanted to make the most of them all.

* * *

Dan and Phil walked back to the edge of the jetty. Dan was trying to figure out how to eat his ice cream without letting go of Phil's hand to use the provided spoon. Phil was watching him and giggling to himself at how cute he was.

It was sundown and they'd spent all day together, refusing to leave each other for even a second. They had played old video games at a nearby arcade, bought themselves useless tourist crap, made out at practically every landmark of importance, and gotten ice cream.

"Phil?" Dan asked quietly, serious all of a sudden.

"Yeah?" Phil replied, sitting down with him on the edge of the pier.

"Why...why are you doing this? Hanging out with me? Helping me? Comforting me?"

Phil looked into his beautiful, chocolate, eyes. He wore a sad expression. He felt he wasn't worthy of someone who cared about him. That made Phil's heart shatter. Phil brought his hand up to his lips and pressed a soft kiss to it. There were a million things he could say to Dan in response, some overly fancififul, some far too true. He had romantic dreams of being someone's knight in shining armor. He wanted to help someone so as to feel better about himself. He wanted to keep Dan around because somehow Dan made him feel okay. But he settled on one that seemed to cover every reply.

"I think you could be my best friend, Dan," he whispered, barely loud enough for Dan to hear. Phil knew he heard it, though.

Dan scooted over to sit beside Phil. He leaned his head on Phil's shoulder and sighed. "And you're already mine, Phil."

Phil felt so happy in the moment. Dan's head laid on his shoulder, his hand grasping Phil's tightly, he had just given Phil a title which showed that he really did care about him.

They sat in content silence and watched the sun set before them. Phil never ever wanted to move. The stars came out above them and they laid on their backs, staring up at the blackening sky. Phil looked over at Dan in the darkness and pressed his lips gently to Dan's cheekbone. Dan looked over at Phil and grinned.

Finally they decided they had to drag themselves off the docks and back to their beach house to sleep. Dan groaned over dramatically. "Carry me," he requested.

Phil rolled his eyes at him, helping him up. He held up his arms and pouted like a child. Phil rolled his eyes again and turned his back to Dan. "Okay but don't blame me if accidentally drop you in the ocean," Phil warned, laughing.

Dan grinned and jumped onto Phil, wrapping his arms around Phil's neck and his legs around Phil's waist. After a few moments of awkward position adjustments and stumbling, Phil had him in a good enough grip. He giggled in Phil's ear as he carried him piggy-back style down the dock. Phil rolled his eyes yet again at Dan's cuteness. Phil blew his fringe from his face, as he didn't have any hands to move it aside, and attempted to quicken his pace, running towards the beach house.

Of course, running on sand is difficult  _without_  carrying someone, so this inevitably ended with both Dan and Phil collapsing onto the sand and giggling like little kids. They laid side by side, gasping for breath due to their fits of laughter. Phil rolled over onto him, pinning himself above Dan. He leant down and placed a soft kiss on Dan's lips. "You're adorable," Phil mentioned.

"Mmm, not as adorable as you," Dan answered, kissing Phil again.

They finally made it into the beach flat, stealing random kisses and refusing to let go of each other's hands no matter what. It was absolutely perfect.

Phil only wished it could stay that way.

**_June Haverly,_ **   
**_You always get your way,_ **   
**_But June Haverly,_ **   
**_Not today, no not today_ **

"Dan..." he started, as they walked inside. Phil didn't want to ruin the nice day they were having but he knew that they needed to talk.

"Uh-oh," Dan joked uneasily, "Am I in trouble?"

Phil smiled a bit and continued, "I want to help you."

Dan sighed, letting go of Phil's hand. "Phil please, I don't want to talk about th—"

"But you need to," Phil cut in, "We can't just pretend last night never happened. You need someone right now, Dan. Why can't that someone be me?"

"Because....because I don't want to drag you down with me. Because I don't want you to get hurt. I'm just...I'm clingy and any relationship with me would be codependent and you don't deserve that."

Phil had expected Dan to get angry or defensive. He didn't expect him to sound tired, drained. Dan leaned against the wall.

"Dan, please, I  _want_  to help you. I  _want_  to make sure you're okay," Phil spoke quietly, walking closer to him. "Just—I don't know if it's just me but...this feels right."

Dan sighed. "I'm not okay, Phil," he answered, shortly. The conviction of his words stung at Phil's heart, "But I don't think I can ever be okay."

"Don't say that," Phil said, hand on Dan's cheek. He dragged his finger across it, gently. "You're so beautiful," Phil whispered, probably coming on far too strong, just as he had all weekend, but he didn't care. "And funny, and kind, and thoughtful, and amazing," Phil assured Dan, "You don't deserve to be sad."

"You don't even know me that well." He looked away.

"Most of the things I do know about you, I like. I want to know everything about you, honestly. The good and the bad. I want you to talk to me. I want to know who you are, who you want to be, what your favorite animal is, what your worst nightmare is. Do you have any siblings? What do you want for Christmas?"

Dan smiled sadly and allowed himself into Phil's arms. He seemed to be giving in as he replied, "I'm Dan Howell. I'm the school bad boy who hangs out with the school's ball of sunshine. I wish I was who I am whenever I'm with you all the time. My favorite animal's a llama, ironically. My worst nightmare is someone I really care about leaving me like my dad did, like my mom's basically done. I haven't got any siblings. And all I want for Christmas is you."

Phil giggled at the end. "Smooth," he whispered.

"Yep," Dan answered, pecking Phil on the lips.

**_You're on top of the world,_ **   
**_Just trynna stay on track,_ **   
**_And they'll kiss your feet while they stab your back,_ **   
**_And watch you started burn to blazing crying_ **

"Why do you always wear black?" Phil asked, out of the blue.

"I look hot in it." Dan winked.

"Why do you insist upon being a bad boy at school?" Phil asked, more specifically, ignoring his reply, though it was true.

"Because in some cases, it's better to be feared than loved," he answered quietly.

"How d'you mean?" Phil asked.

"If you're loved, people respect you and want to be around you. People who love tend to get hurt. If you're feared, people respect you, and avoid you. Therefore they avoid getting hurt by you. Keeping people at arm's length protects them," Dan explained.

Phil trailed his finger down the side of Dan's face. "What about  _you_? Don't you get lonely?" he asked.

Dan just nodded, closing his eyes, leaning into his touch.

**_June Haverly,_ **   
**_You always got your way,_ **   
**_But not today, no not today_ **   
**_No not today_ **

"Well I'm afraid your plan didn't quite work," Phil murmured, lips just beside his ear, "I'm not afraid of you."

"Maybe you should be," he answered bluntly.

"Why? Do you want to hurt me?" Phil questioned, already knowing the answer. He was finally getting Dan to open up to him.

Dan shook his head and wrapped his arms around Phil's neck. "Of course not. But I don't always get a choice," he whispered.

"Sure you do, Dan. Just choose to let yourself be happy when you actually can. Choose to stay with me. Choose to do what makes you happy. Be around who makes you happy."

He was silent a moment, looking skittish, before deciding, "Maybe I will. Can I talk to you, Phil? Will you listen to me? Not judge me, just listen?" He sounded scared.

Phil kissed him on the cheek, gently. "Of course you can, bear."

"Bear?" Dan questioned, raising an eyebrow amusedly.

"Yeah," Phil responded, smiling and kissing him softly all over his cheeks and neck. "Like my little teddy bear."

Dan rolled his eyes.

"Go on then," Phil said.

"Hmm?"

"Tell me everything you've wanted to say."

**_June Haverly,_ **   
**_You're not to blame,_ **   
**_No not to blame_ **   
**_And June Haverly,_ **   
**_Don't be ashamed,_ **   
**_For all the pain_ **

A beat of silence and a deep breath taken by Dan.

"Okay...here's my life story I guess. When I was little my dad went off to join the army—as you might've read. He absolutely hated it. When he got home he was suffering from severe PTSD and he...he hung himself in my basement." Dan was struggling to keep his voice even.

"It's okay," Phil whispered, pulling him to cuddle with Dan on the living room couch, his head on Phil's shoulder, "Take your time, Dan. I'm listening."

"I...I was the one who found him..." Dan whispered, "It's one of my only memories of him. His dead body. It haunts me to this day. I was dreaming about it last night. That's why I woke up crying."

He was shivering even though it wasn't that cold. Phil wrapped his arms around Dan, holding him closer.

"Ever since my father died...my mum just hasn't been the same. She started getting more and more distant, depressed. Now just seeing me reminds her too much of Dad. The only time she really talks to me is when she's drunk, and that's when she's just yelling at me about everything...I just...I can't take it anymore," Dan whispered, on the verge of tears.

"You're okay Dan. I've got you," Phil mumbled reassuringly, pushing his hair back and kissing his forehead.

"She...she made me feel worthless, so I acted as such. I turned to cigarettes, alcohol, sex, anything to get my mind off everything. Eventually I wasn't myself anymore. I'd been beaten down, exhausted, for so long that I didn't even know who I was anymore. I started trying to get better, but I just...I hated myself. The only people I ever got close to ended up leaving or coming round to my place at the wrong time and getting scared off." He closed his eyes, trying to keep in tears. He gripped Phil's hand tightly and spoke, "I hate myself. I hate my mum. I hate my dad for leaving. I didn't even know I knew how to feel anything other than hate and anger until you came along." He was crying now, burying his face in my chest.

"It's okay, Dan. It's not your fault. It's okay to feel like this. I'm just so sorry. But...I don't know how you could possibly hate yourself because you're honestly the most beautiful human being that I have ever had the pleasure to meet," Phil whispered to the crying boy.

Dan and Phil laid there for probably another hour or two before they decided to wash the sand out of their hair. Phil made sure Dan was going to be okay before hopping in the shower for a quick wash. Dan took one right after.

Dan walked into the bedroom, towel around his waist, drying off his hair with another towel. He smiled and stalked over to Phil. "Should I put on Pajamas?" he questioned, jokingly.

Phil tried to smile and reply something smooth but his eyes were once again drawn to the cuts on Dan's arms.

"Oh, god, sorry, I'm so gross, just let me go change, I—" Dan rambled grabbing. His suitcase and rushing back to the bathroom.

Phil tried to call after him to no avail.

Dan looked down at his arms. Why was he so disgusting? Phil would never want to touch him again, never even want to look at him. He was surprised Phil was still here. Dan was such a gross mess.

Dan returned to the bedroom after dressing in a sweater again and working up the courage in he mirror.

Dan smiled sheepishly at Phil as he entered the room and Phil stood. Dan went to speak, probably going to say something awkward, but Phil just pulled Dan into a kiss. A passionate kiss. 

This kiss communicated every single thing Phil was too scared to tell Dan out loud. When he pulled away and looked down at Dan, teary eyes but smiling, Phil knew he'd gotten the message through to Dan.

* * *

**_You're on top of the world,_ **   
**_Just trynna stay on track,_ **   
**_And they'll kiss your feet while they stab your back,_ **   
**_And watch you started burn to blazing crying_ **

Dan looked over at Phil. He was fast asleep beside Dan. He was such an amazing person. Dan never knew what it was like to be genuinely cared for until he met Phil. He made Dan feel important, like he mattered. Alas, his comforting words wouldn't change Dan's plans.

This has been an amazing day.

The perfect last day.

* * *

Phil rolled over restlessly in search of his brown haired teddy bear. When he didn't find him, he sat up and put on his glasses. He looked around, but Dan was nowhere to be seen. Panic began to well up inside him as he jumped out of bed, not braced for the cold air of the house. He wrapped his arms around himself and walked out of the bedroom.

Phil heard something quiet, almost like a sort of whining. As he got closer to the living room, he realized it was Dan. Dan was sat in the living room, on the couch. There were tears running down his cheeks. He held a phone to his ear, just listening, sometimes crying louder as he listened.

Phil thought about going over and sitting beside him to see who was calling and what he was doing, but Phil stayed put. He didn't want to intrude on Dan's personal life more than he already had. It'd taken him this long to trust Phil, he didn't want to push Dan back into his shell.

"I'm sorry," Dan whispered to the person over the phone, "I have to..."

What was he sorry for? What did he have to do? Why was he crying?!

"Goodbye," he choked out and hung up the phone. He then grabbed something off the coffee table and ran out of the house.

**_June Haverly,_ **   
**_We miss you so_ **   
**_Why'd you go?_ **   
**_Oh why'd you go?_ **

"Dan!" Phil called, but he was gone. Phil walked out to the living room. There were two empty liquor bottles on the floor. There was red liquid in small pools on the table, and small blades he seemed to have pulled out of shaving razors scattered around the table. Beside the blood and blades on the table, was a folded up piece of paper. "Dan..." Phil whispered to himself, "What have you done?"

He picked up the paper and unfolded it.

_Phil-_

_I'm so sorry for getting you involved with me. You've got so much potential. I hope you'll just be able to move past this and carry on. I hope you find someone who's worthy of you—though that's going to be pretty hard._

_Don't mourn for me, Phil. This is it, my final escape. Thank you for giving me the best last day on Earth. I think this is a good time to end everything don't you?_

The note went on to say more, but Phil didn't have time to read it. Dan must've taken one of those razor blades and ran. He dropped the paper and ran out the front door. He looked around, unable to spot Dan anywhere.

**_You're on top of the world,_ **   
**_Just trynna stay on track,_ **   
**_And they'll kiss your feet while they stab your back,_ **   
**_And watch you started burn to blazing crying_ **

Phil took out his phone and called Dan, praying he'd pick up. "Dammit, Dan," he cursed to himself as Dan neglected to answer. He kept calling him as he ran down the stairs, looking for anywhere Dan could hide.

There were all sorts of alleyways in this neighborhood-like place where Dan could hide. He couldn't of gotten too far.

Phil ran up and down the streets, checking each little alley between buildings. He ran a hand through his hair, anxiously. He had to find him before it was too late.

"Phil." Dan had answered the phone. His voice was quiet, barely audible.

"Dan! Oh God, please tell me where you are," Phil begged frantically.

"I can see you," he whispered, "Turn around."

Phil turned and scanned the area behind himself. He found a small alley between their own beach flat and another, underneath the stairs. He ran into the alley and found Dan, lying against the wall, blood pooling around him.

"No," Phil whispered running towards him. "No. No! No!" he screamed, wrapping his hand around Dan's wrists, trying to stop the bleeding. He didn't think he'd ever been this terrified in his life.

Phil dialed 999 and gave them an address, explaining what was going on. He tore off his shirt and wrapped it around Dan's wrists, trying to stop the bleeding. At least he'd cut horizontally. That meant he had a chance right?

"Please..." Phil whispered, "Please, please." He didn't know who he was talking to. Dan? The ambulance? God? Whatever. Anyone if they could somehow save Dan.

"Goodbye Phil," Dan whispered, quietly before shutting his eyes.

"No no no!! Stay with me Dan! Dan!" Phil felt the tears running down his face. He held Dan's face in his hands. "Please Dan..."

Finally he heard sirens get closer and emergency vehicles began to park in front of them. Everything was a blur from there. Doctors tried to pull him off of Dan, but, in his panic, he refused to leave Dan's side.

Eventually Dan and Phil ended up in an ambulance, Phil trying to stay out of the way as the doctors bound Dan's wrists in bandages to stop the bleeding. Phil stared down at him, tears falling. He couldn't die. He just couldn't.

* * *

Phil sat by Dan's bed, staring down at his stupid beautiful face, and listening intently to his heart monitor for any fluctuations.

He had explained everything to the doctors, and they were doing all they could to save him. According to them he didn't have amazing chances. It was up to him wether or not he'd pull through.

Phil was running out of tears. He watched as a tear fell from his face and landed on Dan's.

Phil gripped Dan's frail hand. "Dan..." He whispered, "Why'd you have to leave me?"

**_June Haverly,_ **   
**_We miss you so_ **   
**_Why'd you go?_ **   
**_Oh why'd you go?_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: self harm, suicide attempt


	8. The Fault in Our Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _and i don't wanna let this go, i don't wanna lose control, i just wanna[see the stars with you](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OqG55HdmKTE)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another song which I've changed the meaning to fit my plot
> 
> Also!! Important!!! In this story, Dan cuts and attempts suicide. He believes this will help but it's not the answer! If you're having these feelings please talk to someone! A counselor, an older sibling, a teacher, a parent, anyone. Never forget that someone out there cares about you! And it will get better I promise. If all else fails you can always talk to me. (@midnightskydan or @truerequitedlove on tumblr) Believe it or not I have a bit of experience in this area and will do everything I can to help if you need a shoulder to cry on or someone to vent to.
> 
> tw: hospitals, injuries

 

The peacefulness passed as he began to feel again. He was again connected to his body. He could feel the throbbing in his wrists. He could feel the pillow beneath his head. He could make out the faint beeping of a heart monitor. Dan realized that he was still here, still on Earth, alive.  _Damn_.

Dan slowly opened his eyes. The bright lights temporarily blinded him. Why do they have such bright lights in hospitals anyways? The patients are usually unconscious at some point, so why would they want to wake up to lights shining right into their eyes? Dan felt horrible. He'd probably throw up later. Finally his eyes adjusted to the lighting.

In four words, Dan felt like shit. He was nauseous, his arms stung like hell and there was a deep dull ache in the cuts over his wrists. What had happened? All he remembered was going into that alleyway, slitting his wrists, and...right. "Phil," he mumbled. Phil must've brought him here.

A nurse who was writing on a clipboard noticed Dan had regained consciousness. "Hey," she greeted sweetly, "How're you feeling?"

"Phil?" was all he managed to ask croakily.

She smiled sweetly at him. "He saved your life," She told me, returning to her clipboard. "Would you like me to send him in?"

Dan nodded slowly.

The overly chipper nurse left the room. Soon she was back with Phil. His eyes landed on me and he smiled. He looked as shitty as Dan felt. He had bags beneath his eyes, tears on his cheeks. Fuck. Dan felt guilt roll over him in waves.

"You're alive," he whispered.

Dan smiled weakly. "All thanks to you, I hear."

The nurse smiled at the two of us before grabbing her clipboard. "I'll just leave you two to yourselves then." She exited the room.

Phil rushed over to Dan's bedside, kneeling beside it and taking his right hand between both of his own, and pushing Dan's hair back. "You're okay," he choked out. "Dan you...there was so much blood...I couldn't stop it, I...But you're okay!" he cried, squeezing my hand tightly.

"Why'd you...why'd you save me?" Dan had to ask. He was just a problem, just a complication to Phil's life. He could've died, and they both would've been free.

"Because you deserve to live, Dan," he whispered.

Dan shook his head, looking away. No he didn't. He didn't deserve to be alive. He didn't deserve to have Phil in his life. He didn't deserve anything but death.

"Dan, I...I may have only known you for like two months but I just can't picture my life without you now." Phil  said, "I know you just wanted us to have sex and nothing more, but I can't stop myself from caring about you, and you can't stop me trying to help you."

Dan was taken aback by his response. He didn't know he cared that much. Dan wasn't at all used to people caring about him this much.

"They told me that your chances were bad, Dan, but you pulled through," he explained, "Do you know what that means?"

"You can cancel the funeral?"

He ignored my remark and continued, "A part of you still wants to live, and that means, that we can save you."

Dan didn't know if these words were just bullshit to give him some sort of hope or if he actually believed them, but they sounded good to Dan. He wanted to believe that there was still a way out of this where he could stay alive, stay with Phil. So maybe he did still want to be here. Maybe that's why he answered the phone. Maybe he'd really wanted Phil to save him.

* * *

Dan looked over at Phil as they walked down the halls. Dan had been getting quite restless, and the nurse had thought it a good idea that Dan try to move around a little since he'd been in bed for the past two days. It was Tuesday and Phil and he were missing school, but upon hearing about the situation the principal had ensured that they were excused. As for Dan's mother, all the hospital's attempts to contact her had failed. likely because she'd failed to pay the phone bill (again), as Dan's own phone's service had been turned off. Dan was honestly glad. He didn't want to deal with his mom.

Dan still felt pretty weak, so he had to walk with Phil's support and an IV pole which pumped some sort of antibiotics into his bloodstream. He was also being forced to wear a hospital robe. He'd had to have a blood transfusion because of how much blood he'd lost.

Phil caught Dan when he stumbled yet again. "Are you sure you don't want to go back up?" Phil asked, concern in his eyes.

"No, it's fine, I just haven't used my legs in a while." Dan laughed a little to diffuse the situation.

Dan looked over and met Phil's comforting eyes. He put a hand on the small of Dan's back to help support him as they walked out the doors to the back area where people normally had lunch.

It was past sundown and not many people were out there. There were tables with umbrellas and a small garden surrounding them. There was an archway over the sidewalk which lead away and towards the parking lot.

Dan and Phil sat on the walls of the quadrangle-shaped dining area, their feet hanging over the edge. They sat close, their knees touching. He intertwined his fingers with Phil's, basking in the comfort of having  _someone_.

Dan was scared. He was bloody terrified about everything that was going on. He was scared of continuing existence. He was scared of going home to his mother (especially with this hefty hospital bill). He was scared of hurting Phil. But mostly he was scared of himself and his feelings. 

"Phil?" Dan asked, leaning his head on Phil's shoulder.

"Yeah?" he breathed out.

"That note I left you...did you...did you read the entire thing?" Dan's voice was a whisper, as he was scared of his answer.

"Oh, no, just the first part, I guess. Why?" Phil asked.

Dan breathed a sigh of relief. "Just wondering," he answered, lying.

He had written something as his final goodbye to Phil which he didn't want Phil to know about quite yet. Dan was just starting to figure it out himself.

**_The pain_ **   
**_It's determined and demanding_ **   
**_To ache, but I'm okay..._ **

They sat in comfortable silence, their breathing falling into sync, Dan leaning against Phil.

Dan couldn't believe all that had happened which led him here. Meeting Phil, getting drunk at a party, running into him again, making that pact, breaking it off, picking it back up, going away, letting down his defense, and finally using that razor blade.

Dan was okay now, wasn't he? Was he going to figure himself out? He still wasn't too excited to be alive. That finality of killing himself had felt so welcome. To finally escape this shitty world. It was still tempting, but he couldn't do that to Phil, not again.

"You okay?" Phil asked, nudging Dan's shoulder.

Dan nodded. "Yeah," he breathed, squeezing Phil's hand, "Yeah."

"C'mon," Phil said, helping Dan off of the cement wall. They walked over to the grass and laid down side by side. They stared up at the starry sky, just as they had a few days ago on the beach.

**_And I don't want to let this go_ **   
**_I don't want to lose control_ **   
**_I just want to see the stars with you_ **

"Dan..." Phil started, tracing circles with his thumb on the back of Dan's hand.

"Hmm?" Dan hummed, rolling over to look at Phil.

"Don't ever try to leave me again, please," he requested quietly. His eyes sparkled in the moonlight.

Dan wanted to stay with Phil. He didn't want to leave him, to let go, ever again. He just wanted to be with him and finally get past everything, but Dan wasn't sure if he could do that. He didn't always have complete control over his thoughts and actions. He'd try though. He had to.

"I'll try," Dan whispered.

**_And I don't want to say goodbye_ **   
**_Someone tell me why_ **   
**_I just want to see the stars with you_ **

"I don't think I'd ever been more scared in my entire life," Phil spoke randomly. At my questioning look, he continued, "Than when you looked up at me and whispered goodbye." His eyes were full of tears. "How could you tell me that your worst fear is someone leaving you like you father did, and then put me in that position?"

"I didn't know you cared that much," Dan whispered back.

Phil sighed and pulled Dan into his arms. He kissed Dan's forehead. "At least I'm finally getting you to talk to me."

"You're fairly easy to talk to."

"Listen, Dan... I know we haven't even known each other that long but, and not to sound insanely cheesy, but I feel like we have this, like, connection that I've never felt with anyone ever before," Phil spoke seriously, staring into my eyes.

"Well we do have some pretty good sex."

Phil hit Dan lightly on the shoulder and giggled, "Shut up I'm serious!" Silence. Phil donned a serious, almost scared look. "Dan... _I need you_. I've never felt like this before and it's terrifying, but I can't be without you. Promise me you won't do this to yourself again?"

Dan looked away. He didn't know if he could keep that promise.

"Please?" Phil asked, holding his breath.

Dan looked up and met Phil's eyes again. "I promise," he sighed.

Phil smiled at Dan and leaned in to press his lips softly against Dan's. "What were you thinking?" he asked, pulling back and searching Dan's eyes.

Dan simply shrugged. But he did know. He knew exactly what he had been thinking.

- _A Few Days Ago_ -

**_You lost, a part of your existence_ **   
**_In the war, against yourself_ **

Dan sat up, looking back at Phil. It was early morning. He hadn't slept. He had to do this while Phil was asleep. He wanted to fight this depression that had been hanging over him for years, but he didn't have a clue how. Phil wanted to help Dan, bless him. He didn't realize that Dan didn't deserve his help.

Dan used to know who he was, but now he didn't have a clue. He paced back and forth in the living room, using tweezers to pull razor blades out of razors. Did he really want to do this? Yes. He did. His existence was pitiful, so he might as well just stop existing.

Whatever there was of the person Dan originally was, had been pushed away, snuffed out by the depression. There was no point of living anymore. Things were too hard. Dan had to sort out school, deal with his mom, somehow figure out how to support himself by the end of the year despite the cloud hanging over his head. It'd be so much easier this way.

Dan pulled out a piece of paper and began jotting down a goodbye to one of the only two people who would possibly care if he died; Phil. There was someone else as well, so he decided to call her.

**_Oh, the lights,_ **   
**_They light up in lights of sadness_ **   
**_Telling you, it's time to go_ **

The sun began to shine through the window as the phone rang. The sunrise. The day was just beginning for thousands of people, but for Dan, it was the end.

Dan smiled a little as a tear ran down his cheek. This was it.

"Dan?" the girl's voice answered the phone, groggily, "Dude, it's like 5 in the morning!"

"I know, sorry." Dan chuckled slightly. He turned the blade in his hands. His arms were bleeding from cuts he'd made earlier and there were two small pools of blood gathering on the coffee table in front of him.

"What's up?" she asked, voice softer as she could hear Dan crying.

"I just...I have to say goodbye..."

"Goodbye? Dan what are you doing?" she demanded, voice terrified.

"I've gotta get out of here, Mickey, I'm sorry, I tried so hard, but I can't do it anymore," Dan cried.

"Dan, please, fuck, we can work through this! I care about you! If I'm not worth sticking around for, there's gotta be someone else!"

Dan glanced towards the bedroom where Phil was asleep, "It's not that. I just...I don't know who I am anymore."

"Dan...please. Where are you? I'm coming to get you." She was crying now too.

"I'm sorry," Dan whispered, "I have to..."

"Dan..."

"Goodbye," Dan choked out and hung up the phone.

Dan grabbed the sharpest razor blade and ran out of the house, sobbing.

- _Present-_

**_And I don't want to let this go_ **   
**_I don't want to lose control_ **   
**_I just want to see the stars with you_ **

"Listen Phil," Dan whispered, gripping his hand tightly, "This is special to me too. Without you, you know where I'd be. But I never know when the depression's gonna strike again. I don't want to let you go...but you... _you_  might have to let  _me_  go," Dan choked out.

"Never," Phil whispered, hugging Dan. "I'm afraid you're stuck with me now, Howell."

Dan hugged him back tightly. He wanted to just give in and tell Phil that this would work out. That they could be together, properly. But Dan didn't know how he could ever make that work. He was a mess. He didn't want to drag Phil down with him.

"But we, we can't--"

"Dan?" Phil cut off.

"Yeah?"

"Shut up and just look at the stars with me, okay?" he requested, taking Dan's hand and laying back down beside him.

"Fine." Dan smiled.

**_And I don't want to say goodbye_ **   
**_Someone tell me why_ **   
**_I just want to see the stars with you_ **

After a while of stargazing and a little bit of soft kisses that lingered, Phil decided he should probably bring Dan back to his room. It was late, and Dan began wincing when he moved his arms, signaling that the painkillers were wearing off. He checked Dan back in and stuff, letting him climb back into bed, and  called a nurse to help with the pain.

"Don't leave meee," Dan whined, as Phil got ready to go.

Phil giggled and pressed a kiss to Dan's forehead. "Be here bright and early like usual. I promise," he whispered. "And Dan, you don't have to feel guilty for needing someone. I want to be here for you."

Dan sighed and sat up to hug him, yawning. "Thank you for everything," he whispered.

"I'll see you tomorrow, and I've got my phone on me, okay?" Phil assured, kissing Dan on the lips, "G'night."

"Night," Dan whispered after him.

**_Don't give it up just yet stay grand_ **   
**_F_ ** **_or one more minute, don't give it up just yet_ **   
**_Stay grand_ **

Dan was alone. He slowly crept out of bed and over to his bag. Inside he had hidden a razor blade. He pulled it out and turned it in his fingers.

He sighed. His lips tingled where Phil's had just been. He tucked away the blade and climbed back into bed.

Dan had made a promise to Phil, and he had to do his best to keep it.

* * *

When Dan opened his eyes he was surprised to feel a warmth around him. He looked to his right to see Phil's face. "Phil?" he asked softly.

"Sorry," Phil breathed out, shifting, "You were shivering so I thought I'd just climb in next to you."

Dan smiled at him before kissing him good morning. Something he was fairly sure he would never tire of doing.

"The Doctors say you're all healed up, by the way," Phil said. "Well, you'll still be a bit sore and your wrists might never make a full recovery but you're able to leave the hospital, is what I mean," he explained.

"Oh," Dan was happy to leave the hospital which was such a depressing place, but Dan was terrified to go home and face his mum.

"They want you to meet with a crisis counselor before you go, though."

"Oh...alright."

A little while later, Phil was asked to leave as a girl, seemingly in her 30s, walked into his room. Phil squeezed Dan's hand reassuringly before smiling at him and leaving.

"Hello Dan," the woman greeted, "I'm Angie."

"Hi," Dan greeted, already awkward.

"You understand why I'm here, yes?" she asked.

Dan nodded, "You want to make sure this won't happen again."

"You nearly didn't make it, Dan. We tried contacting your mother but see didn't respond. Is everything okay?" she asked.

Dan shook his head. "It wasn't, but...Don't worry," he spoke, "It won't happen again."

"Oh? And why's that?" she asked, not sounding as if she believed me.

Dan glanced through the room's window seeing Phil chatting with one of the Doctors. "Because now I have something to live for," he whispered quietly.

"That you friend, then?" Angie asked, following Dan's gaze.

Dan smirked, "Something like that, yeah."

They talked for a little while, and Angie said that the doctors wanted to send him to a 30-day mental health facility but legally his mother had to agree to it. Dan assured that he would be okay without it.

She smiled. "Well if you ever feel like this again, I want you to contact me." She handed Dan her card. She explained how it had two suicide hotlines, an abuse hotline, and her own phone number for crisis counseling.

Dan smiled, setting the card on his nightstand. "Thank you."

She smiled brightly at Dan and walked out of his room.

As soon as she left Phil walked in. "Doctor says you're clear to go then ," he said, smiling, "How about you go get changed?"

Dan smiled. "Okay."

* * *

**_Don't give it up just yet stay grand  
_ ** **_For one more minute, don't give it up just yet_ **   
****_Stay grand_

"Hey Phil," Dan prompted, sitting in the passenger's seat of his car. "Can you promise me the same?"

Phil gave a confused look.

"Last night I promised you that I wouldn't give up. Do you promise me the same?"

"What do you mean?"

"If you didn't have something that you needed to escape, you and I would never have hooked up that night all those weeks ago." Dan explained, "So don't you go trying any other means of escape. It's you an me, against the world, yeah?"

Phil smiled over at Dan and reached over to grab his hand, "I promise."

* * *

**_(I don't want to let)  
_ ** **_And I don't want to let this go_ **   
**_(I don't want to lose)_ **   
**_I don't want to lose control_ **   
**_(_ ** **_And I just want to see)_ **   
**_I_ ** **_just want to see the stars_ **   
**_(the stars with you)_ **   
****_with you_

"Dan," a voice whispered, sweetly, "Dan wake up, love."

Dan smiled. "Hi," he greeted, opening his eyes to see Phil. "Where are we?" he asked, sitting up.

"Outside your place," he whispered.

Dan's heart sped up and he sat up quickly. He didn't want to deal with his mum tonight. "Can't I stay with you tonight?" Dan questioned in a whisper.

Phil smiled sadly at him.

"I don't want to see my mum tonight...I just..." Dan started.

"Alright," Phil agreed, getting back into the front seat.

He drove them back to his apartment building.

As Dan got out of the car he asked, "Will your parents mind?"

Phil smiled a little. "Don't worry about it."

Phil walked Dan and his bags up to his apartment on the third floor. Phil carried Dan's bags up for him, Dan unable to carry anything due to his wrists.

It was night by then. They had gone through the paperwork, gotten some food, and had one last day alone together on the beach before leaving. Neither of them had the nerve to return to the beach house.

Phil led Dan into his apartment. Dan looked around, confused. It was nice, but small. One bedroom. What?

"Phil...are you...are you all alone?" Dan asked quietly.

He shrugged. "Couldn't live with my parents."

Dan gave a sympathetic look. So Phil had yet to tell him a lot of things. "Why?"

He shrugged again dismissively. "Homophobes."

Dan squeezed his hand, "I'm sorry."

"It's alright," he answered, leading Dan into his room, "Mum feels bad for me, so she takes care of me financially, pretty much. I'm pretty well off."

"Still."

Phil threw Dan a pair of pajamas (Pikachu-themed, Dan noticed). He smiled and changed into them.

**_And I don't want to say_ **   
**_(_ ** **_don't want to say) goodbye_ **   
**_Someone tell me why (tell me why)_ **   
**_I_ ** **_just want to see the stars (the stars with you)_ ** **** **_with you_ **

Phil pulled Dan down onto his bed with him, wrapping his arms tightly around Dan. "I love ending and starting my days like this," he commented.

Dan relaxed into his embrace, feeling perfectly at home in his arms. "I'm glad I met you, Phil Lester," he whispered, closing his eyes, already drifting in and out of consciousness.

 ** _With you_**  

They fell asleep, completely content together in that moment.

The worst was behind them now, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look at that, subtle foreshadowing,,,,so subtle


	9. DKLA

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _what do i do now?[i don't keep love around](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bunU3OwGTQ)_

Dan never wanted to leave Phil's arms. Unfortunately there was this thing called school which they'd already missed too much of.

"Aren't you worried someone will see us together?" Phil asked, after Dan had asked to walk to school with him.

Dan sighed. He  _did_  want to keep up his "reputation." Phil  _was_  kind of the opposite of the look he was going for. And Dan wanted to keep what he and Phil gad to themselves for now, at least until they figured it out. Dan shrugged, "Well we're not going to walk in snogging are we?" Honestly Dan didn't want to be anywhere but at Phil's side. Dan was scared of everything except him right now.

Phil nodded, "Alright..."

Dan quickly kissed him as they walked out of his apartment. "Thank you," he whispered.

* * *

"I'll see you after school, okay?" Phil said.

Dan looked scared. He wouldn't meet Phil's eyes as he nodded.

Phil put a finger under his chin and tilted his face up. "Hey, it's okay. We can work this all out," he promised before he pulled Dan into a soft kiss to calm him.

Dan smiled a little after Phil pulled away. They walked out of the shadows and into the school. Phil said a brief farewell to Dan before leaving to join his friends.

PJ stared off after Dan. "Where you just talking to Howell over there?" he asked.

"What, oh Dan? Yeah," Phil replied watching the boy walk off.

"Piece of advice for you Phil, stay away from him, okay? He'll get with anyone. He uses people. And no offense, but you're just the type to get manipulated by him," PJ warned.

"What do you mean?" Phil asked, furrowing his brow, trying not to get too defensive.

"I know his type. Don't get involved with him, Phil. It couldn't end well," he advised.

Phil looked back over at Dan who had lit a cigarette. Damn, he hadn't had one in days. Maybe he was acting so weird and anxious because he wanted to end things with Phil. Maybe he didn't actually feel anything for Phil and Phil scared him off by telling Dan he did...  _No_. Phil told himself,  _Don't let PJ get into your head. He doesn't know Dan like you do_.

* * *

The day had seemed to pass way too quickly for Dan's liking. He was stood on the street, awaiting Phil to walk home. He fidgeted nervously with his jacket. He didn't want to go home, but he did have to at some point.

Phil walked up. "You okay?" He asked quietly.

Dan simply nodded. He offered Phil his hand which Phil took without question and squeezed lightly.

They walked in tense silence until they reached Dan's house. "Call me if you need anything, okay?" Phil asked, squeezing Dan's hand.

Dan nodded, "Thanks," he whispered, mouth dry.

Phil pecked Dan on the cheek softly before letting go of his hand. "See you later, bear."

Dan mumbled a half-hearted goodbye, staring at his front door. He took a deep breath and gripped his rucksack's strap tightly, pushing his key in the door. Dan walked in, praying his mum wouldn't be awake or around.

"Hello Daniel," a voice greeted. When she spoke, his mom had the habit of sounding not quite...there.

Dan flinched at the use of his full name, knowing immediately his mother was nowhere near pleased. He turned to see his mom. She held a wine glass and was surrounded by cheap empty wine boxes. Great, this would be a fun conversation.

"Where've you been, then?" she asked.

Dan was surprised she even noticed he was gone if the amount of liquor she'd seemed to gone through while he was gone was anything to go by. "I went to the beach for the weekend," he answered. He left out the part where he attempted suicide and ended up in the hospital, though he knew he wouldn't be able to hide it forever. They had to pay for the stitches and blood transfusion and ambulance ride and crisis counselor.

"Without permission?"

"I didn't think you'd particularly care," Dan mumbled.

"Fine. Fine," she spoke calmly, too calmly. Dan was expecting her to lash out about him not being here to make her dinner, and make him pay for all the take out she inevitably ordered or something.

Dan started to walk off when she spoke again. "I suppose you went with that boy."

Dan paused. "What boy?"

"Don't play dumb with me Daniel, I know you've been bringing a boy 'round. I'm not an idiot," she snapped, "I couldn't believe it, my own son, a dirty little  _faggot_."

She was pissed drunk and probably unaware of what she was saying, but Dan's hands still clenched into fists at the word.

"So obviously you broke things off with him, you know better than to turn to  _their_  ways don't you Daniel? Surely you aren't that pathetic."

Dan turned on heel. "I  _was_  with Phil," he spoke, "Phil and I went away together, for the weekend, where we held hands and kissed and  _had sex,_ " hetold her, kind of smug. He started to walk away again when she spoke.

"Shame."

Dan should've just walked away but he couldn't. " _What_?" he demanded.

"I would've hoped you'd respect your father's memory a little and tried to make him proud. No you're just a disgrace to his name," she spoke bitterly.

"He  _wouldn't_  be ashamed of me! He would see that this was who I am! He would stand behind me and love me anyways because that what an actually good parent fucking does!"

She shoved Dan away from her, roughly, "You are  _not_  to see him ever again!" she ordered.

"I'll do what I fucking like!" Dan shouted back.

That was most definitely a mistake. She stepped forward and slapped him across the face. "No you won't because this is still my house and you are still  _my_  son."

"Maybe I'll just leave then!"

"What go running back to that boyfriend of yours? He probably doesn't even care about you, Dan! You're worthless! Why would he care about you anyways?" she snapped before draining the rest of a box into her cup and starting off. She turned back to Dan. "Phil..." she mumbled, "Phil Lester?" she asked, thoughtfully.

"W-why?"

"I know his parents, as it turns out," she spoke, pulling out her phone, "How's about I give them a call? Hmm? Tell them about your little touching love story?"

His mother or  _the actual devil_? Dan didn't know. He told himself it had to be the alcohol going to her head. This wasn't his mother, not really.

She showed her phone with the none other than Phil's mom's contact pulled up. Phil's parents were homophobes weren't they? They'd ruin Phil's life.

Dan sighed. "I won't see him again," he whispered.

"Sorry?"

"I won't see him again, okay?!"

Dan's mom seemed smug as she pocketed her phone and walked away, taking a swig of whatever alcoholic beverage she held.

Dan walked into his room and collapsed on his bed, tears stinging at his eyes. What the hell had just happened?

 _Worthless. Why would he care about you? Worthless. Faggot. Worthless_.

The words repeated themselves over and over in my mind, every time sounding truer and truer. The tears began to fall slowly. Dan just wanted to curl up in a ball and die.

Honestly, she was right. Dan was worthless. H  was a mess, a problem, a broken kid who didn't know how to fix himself, and Phil didn't need Dan in his life. He could do great things and Dan was only holding him back.

Dan glanced down at his wrists, pulling back the sleeves of his jacket to see the stitches he still had to figure out how to get out in a week or so. He wondered if he ripped them out right now he would begin to bleed out again. But he'd promised Phil.

Dan's phone began to vibrate. Phil was ringing him. Dan sat staring at it. He wanted to answer, to hear Phil's sweet voice telling him that it was going to be okay, but Dan couldn't help but think he'd be much better off without Dan. Besides if Dan was caught talking to him, Phil's parents would find out about them and that couldn't end well.

Dan wiped his tears away and crawled up onto his bed. He wondered if his mum even knew what she was doing to him. Did she pretend not to notice the scars on his arms? Did she turn a blind eye to his smoking habits? Did she hope if she didn't acknowledge Dan's depression that it would just go away? Or did she really not know? What would happen when she found out about the hospital? Would she breakdown and realize she'd fucked up, or would she turn a blind eye?

* * *

**_Wrapped your thoughts around my mind  
_ ** **_Wrapped your body around mine_ **

It'd been three days. Dan had been avoiding Phil at school. He took an alternate route home so as not to bump into him. He kept texting Dan, and trying to talk to him, and Dan felt so bad for ignoring him.

Dan was scared. At first, he hadn't been sure that Phil really cared about Dan as much as he said. But as time progressed, Dan began to think he really did. Dan didn't want to hurt Phil, and Dan couldn't tell if hurting him now would be worth not hurting him later or if this was all for nothing.

Dan couldn't believe this all started with a drunken one night stand.

Now, he was scared that he felt something for Phil as well. This was all meant to be a non-committed relationship purely for escaping their lives with each other, but now it was like we were in a serious relationship and because of this, Dan was terrified.

Phil had opened up a part of Dan that he didn't know he had anymore, and he didn't know if he wanted it.

**_Play it back and press rewind_ **   
**_To when you traced your fingers, drew my spine_ **   
**_Lost it's beat and so I find_ **   
**_Starve my heart of touch and time_ **

But Dan missed him so much. Dan missed his voice, his smile, his laugh. But most of all, Dan missed his touch. His fingers trailing down Dan's back, his lips against Dan's own, his hands in Dan's hair, his arms around Dan. Dan didn't realize just how addictive a single person could be. Dan just wished he could go back into one of their nights together and relive it forever.

Instead of lying in Phil's arms, or feeling Phil touch him, Dan was throwing away hospital bills and hiding from his mother.

It took everything in Dan not to push Phil against a wall in the middle of class.

Sometimes he forgot why he was doing this to himself. Why he was torturing himself by staying away from only thing that could make him feel completely content.

Phil was like Dan's drug and he was having severe withdrawal, but Dan knew it was better that he didn't run back to his addiction. Better for both of them.

Maybe the fire had to die out. Maybe it was over between them. Maybe that was okay.

**_So what do I do now?_ **   
**_I don't keep love around_ **   
**_So what do I do now?_ **   
**_I_ ** **_don't keep love around_ **   
**_W_ ** **_hat do I do now?_ **   
**_I don't keep love around, love around_ **   
**_Love around_ **

Dan couldn't pull Phil back into his crazy messed up life. That's why he never let himself get close to anyone before. He cared too much to let someone care about him. Phil couldn't get involved with Dan or he'd inevitably get himself hurt, whether it be emotionally or even physically.

Dan watched as Phil joked and laughed with his friends, feeling the slightest pang of jealously that he couldn't be there with him as well. He hoped Phil's friends all knew just how lucky they were.

Dan sighed as he walked away towards the back of the school and lit a cigarette. He wouldn't let himself think about the past few days. Everything was just going to go back to how it was before the party, before Phil became anything more than a classmate.

Dan would get used to not having Phil around. He didn't need a relationship. He didn't need anyone.

...

And Dan could almost believe that.

* * *

Phil paused in his tracks while walking to class to watch Dan walk away. Phil was thoroughly captivated by everything about Dan. He was absolutely gorgeous and Phil couldn't believe that he'd let him slip through Phil's fingers.

Phil had never found out why he stopped seeing him. Phil remembered the last time they were together, how anxious Dan was, how he took Phil's hand even though people might see, how he hadn't wanted to say goodbye. Maybe Dan didn't want to stop seeing Phil. Maybe he had to.

Or maybe Phil was just trying to make himself feel better by substituting crazy scenarios for the fact that Dan simply didn't want him anymore. He was Dan Howell. He was the bad boy. He got tired of his little toys after a while and so he went and found a new one. In all honesty, Phil had probably been replaced already. Phil had started to fall for him. Dan probably hadn't wanted that.

**_When we tried it, we were a fire with no_ ** **_smoke_ **   
**_Rags to riches but I'm addicted to being broken_ **

Dan and Phil were meaningless. Nothing more than a bit of sex and--as Dan had put it--"Happy Little Pills." It was never anything more.

Who was Phil kidding? Dan and Phil were  _everything_  to each other, if only for a little while. They confided in each other, they kissed, held hands, comforted each other. They just didn't have anywhere for the relationship of sorts to go.

The sad thing was. Phil could've gone home anytime. If he had been single, his family would've taken Phil back into his wealthy home and covered him again. He knew his family was full of homophobic assholes, but he  _did_  care about them. He just didn't go back because of Dan. He couldn't leave Dan. He couldn't pretend to change and go home. He stayed here, living on the bare minimum, but at least he could be as gay as he liked.

**_Take my breath away, you know I'm bound to choke_ **   
**_When I close my eyes I still see your ghost_ **

Phil missed Dan so much. He knew Dan had needed him, but he never realized how much Phil needed Dan as well. He felt so alone now, even with his friends. Phil didn't understand why Dan had left. They had promised each other that they wouldn't leave. Maybe that's what scared him off. Maybe he didn't want to commit.

Throughout the school days, Phil could almost pretend that everything was normal and that he'd be meeting up with Dan after school, but then he'd find himself waiting for Dan to walk home, but he'd never show.

**_So what do I do now?_ **   
**_I don't keep love around_ **   
**_S_ ** **_o what do I do now?_ **   
**_I don't keep love around_ **   
**_What do I do now?_ **   
**_I don't keep love around, love around_ **   
**_Love around_ **

Phil sighed as he collapsed onto his couch, walking into his small apartment. What happened? Why did Dan leave? What happened to them? Phil missed him, and he just couldn't figure out where he went wrong.

It'd been almost two weeks already. Maybe he should stop holding onto Dan. Maybe Phil should try to move on. He just couldn't find anyone attractive compared to Dan.

He may have a nice smile, but Dan's was 100 times brighter. He may have a nice sense of humor, but Dan could make Phil laugh so much easier. He may even be perfect, but Dan was imperfectly beautiful and Phil wouldn't change a thing. He needed Dan.

* * *

**_I don't keep love around  
_ ** **_I don't keep love around_ **   
**_Ooh yeah, I don't keep love around_ **   
**_Love around  
Love around_ **

"Dan," Mickey greeted, surprised. She threw her arms around him. "God you terrified me, I'm so glad you called from the hospital, I was terrified trying to find you! Don't you dare do that shit to me again. Why didn't you come by? I swear, you--What's wrong?" she asked, noticing the tears in his eyes.

"Mickey...I think I might be in love," Dan choked out, "But I  _really_ , don't want to be."

"That's funny you're the second person to--" Her eye widened.

"Person to what?"

"Nevermind," she brushed off, "Come in, come in."

* * *

**_They can't stand, I handstand  
_ ** **_I don't hold on right anymore_ **   
**_P_ ** **_leased to meet you, I'm kinda' moved_ **   
****_But that last one was my antidote_

Phil's friends didn't know much about his recent sadness. He'd just told them that he'd been through a sort of break up. They couldn't stand seeing Phil so depressed since he was usually the positive one of the group so they all kept setting Phil up on blind dates with any gay or bisexual boy they could find. It was a sweet gesture, but they mostly turned out awkward.

"Hey," Phil greeted as a boy walked into the diner. He was shorter than Phil, with light brown hair, a curly fringe, and green eyes. He was pretty cute, honestly, and Phil was surprised.

He was called Connor, as Phil learned. He wished that he could've paid more attention because he seemed like an alright guy, but Phil couldn't stop thinking about Dan.

* * *

**_Green eyes, become green times  
_ ** **_But there is no first or a last chance_ **   
**_They're telling me to turn down_ **   
****_'Cause I'm so lit, recall flashdance?_

"And now he's dating someone else," Dan ended his story, "This gorgeous guy with the perfect body, cutest smile, and brilliant green eyes," Dan sighed.

Dan was jealous. Of course he was. He still cared about Phil. He had been devastated when he saw him on a date with that guy. Had Phil really moved on so fast? Was their little thing that easy to get over? Maybe Dan should've been happy, but he couldn't help it.

"Alright, come on," Mickey said suddenly. She tossed Dan his jacket and stood.

"What?"

"We're going to some college party and we're going to get well pissed and you're going to have a good time," She ordered.

* * *

**_Only A1, and I stay 1  
_ ** **_And I'm counting out for that day when_ **   
**_Residuals become imminent_ **   
****_'Cause failure is not pivotal_

After about 10 minutes at the party a girl started flirting with Dan. She was perfectly attractive, blonde with blue eyes, but Dan just wasn't into it.

She asked Dan something about having a girlfriend and without much thought he replied with, "Nope. I'm not to good at keeping people around, honestly." Needless to say, he ended up returning to Mickey's side alone.

"I'm done with this," he decided, pulling her away from her conversation.

"But I was just about to get with someone!" she whisper-exclaimed, motioning to the girl and guy she'd been talking to.

"Which one?" Dan asked, amused.

"I don't know, both," she decided.

* * *

**_They just be asking the same  
_ ** **_Try switch it up, I switch lanes_ **   
**_No love in this world, I'm still sane_ **   
**_Right?_ **   
**_Because that's enough?_ **   
**_When the lights on_ **   
****_And you don't keep love_

Connor was awesome, sure. He was quite different than Dan, and maybe that was a good thing, but Phil wasn't ready. Phil explained to him that he wasn't sure if he wanted to really date right now, and he was really nice about it.

Maybe Phil would just chill out for now. He was young and love wasn't everything, right?

* * *

' ** _Distance makes the heart grow fonder'  
_** ** _Said by someone stronger than me_**

Dan missed Phil. All this time without him had assured him that he did in fact feel deeply for Phil. Dan couldn't do this anymore. He needed Phil.

Dan supposed that you never really do appreciate something until it's gone. Dan just wished he would've savored all the hugs and kisses while he had them at his disposal.

He was falling apart on his own. Piece by piece his resolve was crumbling. He wasn't strong enough to be on his own. Not after having the taste of what it's like to have someone.

**_So what do I do now?_ **   
**_Do now?_ **   
**_So what do I do now?_ **   
**_I_ ** **_don't keep love around anymore_ **   
**_I don't keep love around anymore_ **   
**_I don't keep, I don't keep_ **   
**_Love around_ **

What the hell was he supposed to do now?


	10. TOO GOOD

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _too good to be good for me_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi i'm not dead !!

****_BRRRRIIIIIINNNNGGGG_

Who the hell would be at the door at 1 in the morning?!

_BRIIIING BRIIING BRINGGGGG_

Phil opened the door, rubbing his eyes underneath his glasses. He was completely unprepared for the sight he was greeted with.

"Dan..." Phil whispered partially in awe, partially in confusion.

He was fiddling nervously with his jacket and biting his lip. His eyes were red and puffy as if he'd been crying. "Hey Phil," he whispered.

"Dan...are you oka--" Phil started to ask but Dan cut him off.

He lunged forward and pressed his lips against . "I'm so sorry Phil," he choked out between sloppy kisses, "I'm so sorry for leaving you," Another kiss. "For breaking our promise."

A few tears fell from his eyes and Phil pulled him into his arms. Phil kissed Dan's tears away and whispered, "It's okay," as if Dan hadn't ripped his heart out and stomped on it. Phil couldn't stand to see Dan in pain and needed him to be happier immediately.

"I've missed you so much," Dan cried, throwing his arms around Phil's neck and burying his face in Phil's shoulder, breathing him in.

Phil stroked Dan's hair softly, "I've missed you so much too, bear," he whispered trying not to get too choked up himself.

"C-can I come in?" Dan questioned, timidly.

Phil nodded a little and Dan stepped inside, closing and locking the door. Dan looked him over and Phil looked Dan over as well, each taking in what they hadn't seen in so long. Their eyes met and Dan had Phil against the wall in a second.

 ********_Scared my love, you'll go  
_ _Spend my love, heart broke  
_ _So my love don't show_ _  
_ _Scared my love, you'll go_

"Can you stay the night?" Phil asked, breathlessly, after a long heated kiss.

"My mum thinks I'm with my cousin. I  _was_  with her actually but I...I needed to see you," Dan whispered in reply.

He leaned in to kiss Phil again, but Phil evaded him, walking away. "Dan...It's been nearly a month I...I thought we were over, I thought you didn't want me anymore," Phil whispered, "Is this you wanting me back?"

Dan sighed. He looked so worn down, tired, and sad. Phil felt guilty pestering him, but he had to know.

"I'm so sorry for not contacting you, Phil. I never stopped caring about you, I've wanted you since day one and I still do. But as much as I wish I could..." His eyes were watery again, "I can't have you back."

"Why not, Dan?" Phil asked softly, putting a hand on his arm.

He pulled away and looked down. "Because I'm a worthless piece of crap who doesn't deserve you," he spoke softly, tears falling slowly.

Phil's eyes widened at his words. "How could you think that?" Phil asked quietly, trailing a hand down his arm and taking his hand. "C'mere." Phil pulled him into his embrace, "Dan, you're a beautiful, amazing, person, and I need you. Don't you  _dare_  think you're not worth anything." Phil kissed him on the forehead.

"Just..." he requested, pulling away to look Phil in the eyes, "Just give me tonight, okay?"

Phil nodded and pulled him into a kiss.

 ********_Too good to be good for me  
_ _Too bad that that's all I need  
_ _Too good to be good for me  
_ _Too bad that that's all I need  
_ _All I need_

He kissed Dan passionately. He'd missed this so much. He entangled his hands in Dan's hair, pulling lightly as they kissed deeply. Dan let out a soft moan.

So this was happening. Dan had just waltzed back into Phil's life and now they were making out. They didn't break the kiss as they stumbled into the bedroom.

He knew this was a bad idea. Dan had said he couldn't have Phil back, yet Phil was going to have sex with him anyways. Phil hoped he didn't regret this in the morning.

Besides how could something so wrong feel so right?

 ********_Fingers walk your thigh  
_ _Breathe my love, get high  
_ _And oh, I'm so scared  
_ _Oh I'm so scared  
_ _It's just for tonight_

Dan and Phil sat on the edge of his bed, making out still. Dan felt so much better just being here with Phil. Dan frowned when he realized that Phil looked kind of anxious. Dan trailed his fingers up Phil's thigh, leaning forward to kiss him. "Shh," Dan mumbled, taking Phil's lips again. "Don't think," he suggested, "just  _feel_."

Phil pulled Dan closer, hands grasping at Dan's sweater as they made our. Phil seemed to give in as took over, rolling on top of Dan.

Dan was just as scared as Phil, if not more. If his mother ever found out he was with Phil she'd ruin both their lives. Dan stared into Phil's eyes and he must've read Dan's mind.

Phil leaned forward and kissed Dan's jaw gently, hesitantly, "Don't think," he repeated Dan's words, trailing his hands up Dan's shirt, "just feel."

 _It's just for tonight_ , Dan reminded himself. So he'd have to revel in it. Memorize how every bit of Phil felt, so if he never got to be with him again, Dan would remember.

* * *

 ********_So I take a sip, wait 'til it hits  
_ _That liquid guilt is on my lips  
_ _I'm wasted on you_

Dan's eyes fluttered open and he felt two familiar arms around him. He smiled at the familiar embrace, one that he had missed so much. Dan sighed as he realized what he'd just done.

Phil probably believed Dan wanted to work things out and stay with him, when Dan was just going to leave again. Dan hadn't meant to lead him on, it'd just sort of happened.

Dan sat up and Phil whimpered in his sleep, reaching out for him. He eventually settled on cuddling a pillow.

"I'm sorry," Dan whispered, kissing his lips, "Goodbye again Phil..."

* * *

"Where'd you get off to then?" Mickey asked, as Dan walked into her place.

"I, uh, I went back to that guy I told you about, I stayed at his place," Dan explained.

"Oooooh," she cooed, obviously intrigued, "Did you guys make up?"

Dan sighed, "You know we can't be together."

"Does he even know why you left?" Mickey asked, sighing exasperated.

Dan shook his head, biting his lip. He didn't feel good about leaving Phil behind, but it was for the best.

"You're driving me crazy here! All of my ships are sinking!" she exclaimed dramatically, falling onto the couch and clutching a pillow. Upon finding that Dan was unamused, she frowned. "He deserves to know why you're leaving him, Dan. As far as I can tell he really cares about you. Why should you let your mom get in the way of your happiness?"

Dan sighed and simply walked away. Mickey meant well but not everything was so simple. Dan couldn't go back to Phil for three reasons. 1) If Dan's mum found out, Phil would get screwed over. 2) Dan was an absolute mess and Phil needed to have his own life. 3) Dan was simply not good enough for Phil. He needed someone better.

Dan grabbed a beer bottle from the refrigerator and began to drink, trying to take away the pain and guilt he felt. He hated beer, but it'd get him drunk.

* * *

Phil felt Dan leave his arms yet again. He let out a little whimper. Where was he off to in such a rush? Phil reached for him but only discovered a pillow, which was acceptable for the time being.

"I'm sorry." Dan whispered, kissing Phil, "Goodbye again Phil..."

 _Don't go._..Phil thought, not really awake yet.

It was a few minutes later that Phil had proper consciousness. He sat up to find Dan gone as well as his clothes. He pulled on his own clothing and ran out of the flat, shoes in hand.

Phil found Dan getting into his mum's car. He had driven here? He only lived down the street. Phil watched him drive away and followed in his own car soon after. He was surprised to find the route familiar.

He parked in front of... _Mickey's_ apartment _?_ He knew Mickey? Nah it had to be a coincidence. Phil followed him up the stairs, only to find him opening Mickey's door, having a key of his own. How did he know Mickey?

Phil waited a few minutes to see if Dan was staying before he walked up to the door and knocked.

Mickey flung open the door. "Phil," she spoke, eyes wide, surprised to see Phil.

"Dan's here?" he asked.

"Yeah, he's staying with me for a bit. He's my cousin, by the way," she answered, "Are you here to--"

Phil pushed past her and into the hallway. Dan was in her guest bedroom.

"Phil?" he exclaimed, startled by Phil's entrance.

Phil walked inside, smiling a little. He pulled Dan into a kiss which he really didn't do much to stop. "Said you wouldn't leave," he whispered. Before Dan could reply, Phil kissed him again.

 ********_Too good to be good for me  
_ _Too bad that that's all I need  
_ _Too good to be good for me  
_ _Too bad that that's all I need  
_ _Too good to be good for me  
_ _Too bad that that's all I need  
_ _Too good to be good for me  
_ _Too bad that that's all I need  
_ _All I need_

"No, Phil," Dan spoke. He wasn't exactly assertive with his tone but Phil still ceased his kissing immediately and stepped back a little, worried he may have been making Dan uncomfortable. He looked him over, concerned and wide-eyed.

"Sorry, Phil. I'm so sorry," he whispered, looking down at his feet.

Phil put a hand on Dan's arm and tilted his chin up so he was looking me in eyes. "Don't be, Dan. Just tell me what's going on. I want to help you." He looked so broken, and so lonely. He couldn't push Phil away now, not when he most needed someone. He couldn't just brush off all that they had been through together. They had something special. Dan couldn't deny that.

Dan pulled away and sighed. He sat on the bed behind him. "It's a long story."

Phil sat beside him. "I've got time."

He was silent for a moment. Phil took advantage of his lapse and began peppering kisses all over his face and neck.

"Alright, alright, I'll tell you," Dan gave in, chuckling a little at my actions, "But only if we can have sex first."

"Dan!" Phil exclaimed, surprised by his straightforwardness, and recalling that they were at the home of Phil's best friend of 4 years. "We're at Mickey's place!"

"Which you barged into to make out with me," Dan added.

As if on cue, Mickey then called, "I'm going out, there's take out on the way, have fun!" Phil almost believed she was just leaving because she felt like it, but then she added, "Use protection!"

Dan and Phil glanced at each other and burst into giggles. "Mick," Dan asked, "Have you been fucking eavesdropping the whole time?"

"No, totally not, but on a completely unrelated note you should listen to Phil and actually talk things through. Okay, bye guys!" she called before they heard a door slam.

Dan and Phil started giggling again, not meeting each other's eyes. When they stopped, Phil looked up to meet Dan's eyes.He moved closer. "So we're alone," he commented.

Dan giggled and pulled Phil into a kiss. He deepened the kiss, letting his hands roam Dan's body. They giggled between kisses, blushing, and for the first time since they'd been together like this, Phil felt like they were actual teenagers. Giggling and hesitant and stupid. Phil liked it this way.

Phil slid his hands underneath Dan's shirt, not pulling it off, knowing in the back of his mind Dan wouldn't want to show his scars. He began leaving kisses over Dan's collar. His hands paid close attention to Dan's adorable, little, chubby, belly, as he knew Dan was self-conscious about this part of him, though he didn't know why. Dan was far from fat, he had the perfect amount of squish and it was absolutely adorable. Dan giggled at the tickling sensation.

Phil just wanted Dan to know that everything about him was gorgeous. "You're beautiful," Phil spoke, "And cute." Phil kissed him again, "And amazing."

Dan was too good for Phil. He was attractive, brilliant, funny, and Phil was, well,  _Phil._ He was also too good as in 'too good to be true.' Phil never knew when it was for real with him. He said he cared about Phil and then brushed him off like they'd never met. Right now, though, Phil knew Dan wanted him.

"You're one to talk Phil, you're gorgeous and perfect. I hope you know that," Dan spoke, kissing me before mumbling, "I don't deserve you..."

"Shh, Dan. You make me happy. I think you're absolutely incredible. Stop telling yourself otherwise and just let yourself be happy too, okay?" Phil said.

Dan nodded, smiling small. "Okay."

* * *

"Hey Mickey," Phil greeted, walking into the kitchen.

"Hey  _lover boy_ ," she sang, "I can't believe that this guy you've been ogling over for months was Dan! This entire time! And I didn't know! Well except when Dan came around talking about this guy and I realized the guy was you and then I realized your guy was him and I was just freaking out because I never would've guessed that your guys were each other. Where is Dan, by the way?"

Phil smiled. "He fell asleep after we...you know. I got kind of hungry so I thought I'd take you up on that offer of take out, if that's still alright."

"Yeah! Here, Chinese food." She handed Phil a box of rice and chopsticks which he failed to use throughout the rest of our conversation.

"So did you talk to Dan?" Mickey asked, suddenly serious.

"About what?" Phil asked, trying quite hard to get a noodle in his mouth with the provided utensils.

"About you guys. About why he stopped seeing you," Mickey answered, "I know it's has something to do with his mum and homophobia--or as I like to call it;  _being an asshole_ \--and he doesn't feel like he's good enough for you and he was feeling suicidal again which is why he came here so I could talk him down, and then he went to find you because he missed you so much. I really hope you can talk him into letting you help him. I'm kind of out of ideas. He's a good person and he doesn't deserve all he's putting himself through these days." She sighed.

Phil was busy celebrating finally getting a few noodles into his mouth, when he realized what she'd said. "Dan was feeling suicidal again?" he asked.

"Well that's not really an odd occurrence with him honestly. I was the only one he could talk to for a while. He'd always call me in the middle of the night when he got these feelings. He'd been doing a little better before the beach incident," Mickey explained.

Phil stared at her. Dan had been depressed and even  _suicidal_  for months?

 ********_So I take a sip, wait 'til it hits  
_ _That liquid guilt is on my lips  
_ _I'm wasted on you  
_ _Wasted on you_

Phil set down his Chinese food and walked back to the bedroom. He stood in the doorway and stared at the boy wrapped up in sheets, hair curly from the sweat on his brow. He looked content as he slept now. Depressed and suicidal are not words you would think described the boy before Phil.

Phil walked in and laid down beside Dan, pulling him into his arms and kissing his forehead. "Dan...I may not have been around to help you before, but I'm here now. So please let me stay," Phil whispered into his hair.

Dan hummed a reply, eyes fluttering open. "Sorry, fell asleep," he mumbled, "You wore me out."

Phil kissed him softly. He was addictive. Phil tasted his lips once and it became all he could think about. Phil  _needed_  to taste them again. Phil kissed him again, tasting faint traces of alcohol probably drunken by him just before Phil arrived here.

 ********_Too good to be good for me  
_ _Too bad that that's all I need  
_ _Too good to be good for me  
_ _Too bad that that's all I need  
_ _Too good to be good for me  
_ _Too bad that that's all I need  
_ _Too good to be good for me  
_ _Too bad that that's all I need  
_ _All I need_

Dan sat up and pulled on boxers and a black t-shirt. He walked over to his overnight bag. He pulled out a pack of cigarettes and lit one up. Phil watched with curiosity as he opened the window and smoked. He was just the kind of person that everyone didn't want to get involved with. He was a bad boy. He smoked, drank, hung out in the shadows, beat people up, and stuff like that. (Phil was sure Dan had never intentionally hurt anyone in his life, that was just what his reputation said.)

But he wasn't his reputation, was he? Not really. Deep down under the act, he was just a scared kid, a hopeless romantic who listened to Troye Sivan, a depressed lonely boy with the most beautiful smile Phil had seen in his entire life.

"Dan are you okay?" Phil asked quietly, "I mean, of course you aren't, I know that, but please talk to me again. I want to help you."

Dan sighed and took another drag. He turned to look at Phil. He looked a lot like he had after the first time they'd had done this. Scarily devoid of emotion. "You and I can't do this again. We can't be together. You need to get on on your own," he said.

"But Dan, I need you. I don't care what gets in our way, I want to be with you." Phil practically begged.

"You'll be fine without me. I haven't done you any good. Just go back to your normal life."

"I don't want to live a life without you, Dan. I know you don't want to be without me either," Phil pleaded.

"Just get out of here, Phil."

"Dan--"

"Go," he repeated more forcefully, turning away from him.

Phil approached him slowly and kissed him on the cheek. "Goodbye Dan."

Phil proceeded to rush out of the room. He bid a farewell to Mickey. Dan just needed some time to think, to cool down. He could never stay away for too long anyways, and if he tried this time, Phil wouldn't let him go.

It was obvious. Phil knew it. Dan knew it. Even Mickey knew it. Dan and Phil were meant to be together. It was fate that had them both end up at that party, that had Phil run into him just afterwards. Phil was emotionally invested in Dan's story and he couldn't write Phil out of it that easily.

This was far from over.


	11. BLUE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _i want you, i'll colour me[blue](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0PbHQVJyNkw)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i remember first drafting this chapter when i was like 13 yrs old and in a similar state that dan in this fic is in and writing this chapter was insanely cathartic for me for some reason, so this is probably my favorite chapter of this whole fic lol
> 
> also idk why some of the html just isn't working??? the lyrics are all supposed to be bold and italicized but i give

Life went on. Days passed. Phil could almost move on, but it was like there was a piece of him missing. He wasn't living, he was merely existing. He hadn't realized just how empty his life was without the fiery passionate, tearing his heart out of his chest, impulsive, only few month long, love. It had been almost another month. Dan was avoiding Phil again and dodging his calls. He could see him hurting. Phil hated it. Every day was like torture. He was running out of reasons to pull himself out of bed in the mornings, so on the weekends he mostly didn't.

"Phil you've gotta pull yourself together, dude." Mickey whined, leaning on Phil's door frame.

"Your America is showing," Phil mumbled.

"Shut up, you guys say 'dude' too."

"Not as much as you, you weird Californian."

"Okay beside the point! You need to go find Dan and make this all better. I can only handle so many broken-hearted gay guys at one time!" Mickey exclaimed, throwing her hands up. "Take a shower, you're coming with me to see your boyfriend," She ordered.

"He doesn't wanna see me," Phil muttered, pitifully.

"Quite the contrary Phillip, I believe you're the only one he does want to see," Mickey said.

"Aye you're British again!" Phil exclaimed.

"Shut up and go get dressed," She ordered, rolling her eyes.

Phil lazily pulled himself out of bed. If what Mickey had been saying was true than maybe Dan did want to see Phil. According to Mickey he'd been moping just as much as Phil had. Phil hopped in the shower and changed into something other than the shirt that Dan left at his place. 

* * *

Mickey led Phil into her flat. She shushed him and crept down the hall. She peeked into her guest room where Phil assumed Dan was staying. She sighed and stepped back before she walked back to Phil.

"You better take this," She whispered, "Be gentle, he's had a rough going."

Phil nodded and walked down the hallway. He slowly opened the door and peeked inside.

Dan was laid, curled in a ball on his bed. Phil smiled sadly to himself as he noticed Dan was wearing his green sweater. The floor was littered with crumpled tissues. Phil could hear Dan's quiet sobbing and his body shook as he held a pillow close to himself. Phil's heart broke just a little at the sight before him, and he stepped inside the room. Dan was turned the other way so he didn't see Phil come in. Phil closed the door slowly and quietly, walking over to him.

"Dan," Phil whispered, laying a hand gently across his arm.

He sniffled, but didn't turn to face Phil.

Phil crawled over beside him, taking him in my arms. "It's okay," he mumbled into Dan's ear, "I'm here."

Dan rolled over to face Phil and Phil pulled him close. His face was stained with tears and his hair was a mess, but Phil couldn't help but find him absolutely gorgeous. He'd missed Dan so much.

Dan let out a broken whimper and Phil held a hand behind his head as he sobbed into Phil's shoulder. Phil could feel his heart beating quickly. His breaths were short and quick between his sobs _. Panic attack_ , Phil guessed.

"Hey, just breath okay?" Phil instructed softly, "Deep breaths. I'm here. It's okay." He couldn't think of much else to say so he didn't. He just held Dan close to his chest and stroked his hair soothingly.

Eventually Dan calmed down a bit. He was grasping onto Phil's shirt as if his very life depended on it.

 ********_Love it's hard, I know_  
_All your lights are red, but I'm green to go_  
_Used to see you high, now you're only low  
_ _All your lights are red but I'm green to go_

It hurt him to see Dan like this. Phil felt so helpless, holding him tightly, but unable to stop anything he was going through. It was so hard being in love with someone who couldn't love himself.

Wait, rewind, in love? Was Phil in love with Dan? He looked down at the broken boy he held in his arms. Images flashed through Phil's mind; meeting Dan, the party, his place, waking up after drunkenly calling him, making out behind the school, running away for the weekend, him finally opening up to Phil, finding him bloody in an alleyway, refusing to leave his side at the hospital, and missing him so badly when he stopped talking to Phil. Of course Phil was in love with Dan. He'd fallen fast and hard.

Phil was so ready to be with Dan. He didn't care what held them back, what got in the way, He was ready to fight for Dan, but Dan wasn't ready. He was still scared, and that was okay. Phil just needed Dan to let him in.

Thinking back on times spent with Dan, Phil mostly remembered his smile. Only because every time he smiled Phil stopped and took a moment to memorize it, as a genuine one was such a rare occurrence. His smile was truly beautiful and as Phil stared at Dan's tear-stained cheeks, he missed it. Phil wished he could see that small spark in his eyes which eventually grew until his eyes were shining, sparkling. He wished he could watch as the side of his lips turned up ever so slightly until they opened to reveal a wide, bright, beautiful, smile. He wished he could watch as dimples popped up on both cheeks.

Dan had fallen asleep on Phil's chest. His breathing had steadied. Phil knew he'd probably feel better when he woke up. He'd never experienced a panic attack himself, but Mickey went through a spell where she'd experience them often. At least  _she_  told Phil how to help her.

"Oh, Dan," Phil whispered to himself, "Why won't you let me help you?"

 ********_I want you_  
_I'll colour me blue_  
_Anything it takes to make you stay_  
_Only seeing myself  
_ _When I'm looking up at you_

Phil eventually drifted off as well, laying against the bedroom wall, Dan in his arms.

_"DAN?!" Phil called, desperately, running around a darkened lot. "DAN?!" No reply. City sounds could be heard in the distance._

_Phil was terrified. He ran around corners only to end up back where he'd started, his heart beating faster. He screamed Dan's name until he suddenly lost his voice. He couldn't speak. He kept running through alley ways with no ends, silent screams leaving his lips._

_Phil rounded the corner again, but this time he didn't find himself in the same place he'd started. He was in a different alleyway. Broken bottles littered the ground, as well as razor blades, surrounded by blood. He walked down the alley, heart racing. Finally, he found the scene that this had all led up to._

_A light that emitted from nowhere shone on a black pair of shoes. As he neared the shoes he saw they were attached to a dark figure. Phil was finally able to see Dan, dressed in a black hoodie. The sleeves were rolled up to reveal cuts across Dan's wrists, stained with dried blood and still leaking. Phil wanted to run to him but he was stuck. He couldn't help him. He couldn't save him. He could only watch as he suffered, blood pooling around him, all traces of life leaving his eyes._

Phil didn't shoot up in bed, suddenly waking up from the nightmare, no, it wasn't over that painlessly. He got trapped in between consciousness and unconsciousness. He didn't know what was real and what wasn't. "Phil..." a voice spoke quietly. He continued to stare at the lifeless body of the person he loved. "Phil, babe, get up," a voice said a little sterner. Phil slowly became aware of a body next to his and a hand cupping his cheek.

Phil opened his eyes and saw Dan over him. He pulled Dan in for a tight hug, breathing shakily. He was okay. Phil's Dan was okay.

"Bad dream?" Dan asked, possibly joking, but his expression turned serious when he noticed the tears that were involuntarily running down Phil's cheeks.

Phil nodded. "Y-you were, there was blood, and I thought I lost you," he choked out, pulling Dan back into a hug. Similar dreams had been haunting Phil since the beach incident.

"Is this because of what happened at the beach?" Dan asked, brushing Phil's tears away with the back of his hand, "I'm so sorry, Phil," he whispered.

"Don't be, Dan, please...I'm just glad you're okay," Phil whispered, hugging him again.

 ********_I want you_  
_I'll colour me blue_  
_Anything it takes to make you stay_  
_Only seeing myself  
_ _When I'm looking up at you_

"Thank you, by the way," Dan whispered.

"For what?" Phil inquired, composing himself.

"For being here. I thought I was dreaming when I heard you come into my room, even when you were comforting me, but I woke up and you were still here."

Phil smiled a little, resting his hand on the side of his face. "I always want to be here for you, Dan." Phil leaned forward to kiss him, but he evaded Phil.

"But you can't..." he whispered, "Look at me, I'm a mess," he spoke, motioning around himself. "I don't want to bring you down, Phil."

"I don't care, Dan. I don't care about your problems. What I  _care_  about is  _you_. I don't care if saving you does ruin me; I can't stand idly by. Please...let me help," Phil pleaded, gripping both of Dan's hands between my own.

Dan looked away.

"Please Dan...I...I don't know who I am without you."

Dan took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "I just need some time to think."

"Okay," Phil whispered, "But please don't push me away, okay? Call me if you need anything. Seriously  _anything_. You're never a bother." Phil kissed him softly.

Dan nodded, looking down. He walked out of his room and bid farewell to Mickey. He just had to hope that Dan would listen to him this time.

* * *

It was five days until Phil saw him again. It wasn't like last time with Dan avoiding him, though. They had been texting each other; funny text posts from Tumblr, cute little flirts, stories about times spent with Mickey and her ridiculousness. Things like this:

 _Did you ever meet her gf in year 9?_  
_-DH_

 _Which one, the goth or the cheerleader? O.o_  
_-PL_

 _Lmao the one who was obsessed with that one TV show with the gay angels._  
_-DH_

 _omg supernatural?!_  
_-PL_

_Mickey made me stay up with her all night watching those with her! 10 bloody seasons!_

__-PL_ _

_Hahaha I just remember her drawing a pentagram in my basement 0-0_  
_-DH_

 _She thought that my great grandfather's ghost was possessing me at one point._  
_-PL_

 _Yeah Supernatural fans are kinda crazy_  
_-DH_

 _Hilarious tho_  
_-PL_

 _Quite_  
_-DH_

 ********_I can't say no_  
_Though the lights are on_  
_There's nobody home_  
_Swore I'd never lose control  
_ _Then I fell in love with a heart that beats so slow_

It was Friday when Dan called Phil. It was late at night, nearly 11:00pm. His voice was shaky and he could barely get words out.

"Hey," Phil answered cheerily, happy to see Dan's name pop up on his phone.

"Ph-Phil," he stuttered out, "I-I, I can't s-stop th-the blood, p-please, I... I'm so scared."

Phil's breathing stopped for a second before he remembered how to speak. "Where are you?" he asked grabbing his car keys and racing out the door of his flat.

"M-my place," Dan stuttered, "Please Phil I-I'm so  _so_  scared."

Phil swallowed, hands shaking as he turned the key in the ignition. "Don't worry, I'll be right there, do you have a towel or anything?" Phil successfully turned the car on and started off towards his house, a bit recklessly.

"Y-yeah," he answered, seeming to have stopped crying just a bit.

"Alright I want you to take it and wrap it around the cut as tight as you can, okay?"

"Okay," he replied, and Phil heard him set the phone down. Phil wanted to ask where he cut himself, afraid he may have reopened the wound that nearly killed him. He was afraid if he did he might panic and be of no help, or Dan might freak out, so he just drove.

Phil finally pulled up to his place. "Is your mum home?" Phil asked, quietly, into the phone.

"No, she's out," was his quiet reply.

Phil ran through his unlocked door and to his bathroom. Dan sat on the closed toilet, grasping a bloody cloth. Phil rushed to his side. Dan looked over at him with eyes full of fear.

"What happened?" Phil asked softly, pulled back the bloodiest part of the cloth just a little to see the damage. He hadn't cut on his recently healed wounds. He'd cut beneath them, but not deep enough to really hurt him. Phil rummaged through his bathroom for things to clean him up.

"I—" He sniffled. "I woke up and I just, I couldn't feel anything." Phil undid the towel he had wrapped around his arm to reveal a collection of cuts including one deep, still-bleeding, one. "I didn't mean to cut so deep..."

Phil was silent as he wet a cloth and began to dab at the bloody wounds. He was focused entirely on Dan. "You should've called me before you hurt yourself," Phil mumbled, applying pressure to the cut to try to get it to stop bleeding.

"I know, I know, I'm sorry. I've just felt so empty lately. I was scared, I didn't know what to do."

Phil sighed as he found some pads and gauze in the back of the cupboard, which he was able to wrap the wound tightly in. He hated to see Dan like this, which was sweet and horrible at the same time. Of course he didn't want Dan to hurt, but he had to remind himself that this was what Dan felt every day of his life all the time, somewhere inside him. He only trusted Phil enough to let it out in front of him. Still, Phil loved him, despite his fear, his depression. Those were just obstacles that they had to get past until they could finally be happy.

 **I want you**  
__I'll colour me blue_  
_ _Anything it takes to make you stay_  
_Only seeing myself_  
_When I'm looking up at you_  
_I want you_  
_I'll colour me blue_  
_Anything it takes to make you stay_  
_Only seeing myself  
_ _When I'm looking up at you_

"I'm sorry, Phil," Dan said.

"Stop saying that, would you?"

"It's just, every time we're together these days I seem to be covered in blood and tears," he spoke, sighing.

"I'm just glad that you're finally letting me help you," Phil whispered back, putting a hand on his knee. "Can you talk about it?" he asked, softly. Dan nodded so Phil asked him, "When you're just going about your day, do you feel sad? Like is it always there, or only some of the time?"

"I can always feel it to some extend. It doesn't really go away. It stays around, eating at me, just begging me to give in to it. Sometimes it gets better, I can be happy and almost forget about it, but it never truly goes away. The bad days are always there waiting after the good days," he replied. His reply was quick, but obviously thought through. Phil wondered how often he'd thought this through, explained it to himself, waiting for someone willing to listen.

Phil led him out of the bathroom. He noticed the trail of small blood droplets across the hall from his room to the bathroom. "Sit," he ordered, motioning to Dan's bed. He took a towel and began mopping up the blood on his hallway's wooden floors.

"Phil, no I can--" Dan started, sitting up.

"I said sit," Phil repeated. He continued to clean up the little droplets of drying, dark, red, liquid. "Is this the only way you can get rid of the numbness?" he asked, trying to keep himself composed as he asked Dan these terrible questions and cleaned up drops of what he couldn't pretend wasn't his blood.

"I either cut, or drink, normally. Sometimes a cigarette helps. Usually I just need to feel something, whether it be physical or emotional, or do something, to distract myself," Dan explained, "Of course there is one other thing that sometimes helps..." he added quietly.

"What?" Phil asked, looking up at him.

"This sounds overly cheesy but...your kiss," he answered.

Phil smiled just a little, "Then why do you insist upon hurting yourself?"

"Because you can make me  _feel_ , but you make me feel  _good_  and I just..." he trailed off.

"You don't think you deserve it," Phil mumbled in realization.

"It's true..." he muttered.

Phil stood up and walked over to him, sitting at his side. "Would you stop with all that? You're the most amazing person I know." Phil took his hand. "Come with me."

"Where to?"

Phil shrugged.

"Well what're we doing?"

Phil grinned, "I'm going to show you the world."

Dan grinned at Phil as he dragged him out of his house and into the passenger's seat of his car. Dan pressed a soft kiss to his lips before he turned back to the wheel and started the car.

"So what d'you mean 'show me the world' anyways?" Dan asked as they started driving.

"I'm going to show you the world the way I see it. Or try anyway," Phil explained.

 ********_I know you're seeing black and white_  
_So I'll paint you a clear blue sky_  
_Without you I am colour-blind  
_ _It's raining every time I open my eyes_

Phil parked the car a few miles out of town. Mickey and Phil had hung out here a lot when she first moved over from America. It was a park with fields and a small bit of woods. Phil led Dan to "his spot," which was a park bench surrounded by trees on all sides. In the daylight it looked amazing with the light shining through the small breaks in the trees' branches. In the dark it looked a little creepy, but still beautiful.

"You see the world as a lonely bench?" Dan asked, having put Phil's green hoodie on.

Phil rolled his eyes. "This is the place I go to be alone," he explained. He looked over at Dan, "Let's be alone together." Phil took his hands and pulled him into the small clearing.

"So go on then," Dan said, wrapping his arms around Phil's neck and looking into his eyes, "How do you see the world?"

"Look around you," Phil whispered, "Look at the leaves on the trees, they're all shaped the same, but their colors variegate. Red. Orange. Yellow. Green. None are really exactly the same." Phil's voice was soft, quiet. He felt speaking any louder would ruin the moment. Dan's gaze flickered around at the autumn-colored trees and their leaves, eyes gleaming with a newfound curiosity.

"Hmm," he mumbled, swaying slightly with his arms around Phil's neck. "Tell me more."

Phil smiled. "Look at the stars, thousands upon thousands of stars, more than grains of sand on the beach. Each of them having their own entire solar system, filled with planets and moons, and maybe even other life forms."

"Doesn't it make you feel small? Unimportant?"

"Quite the contrary, actually. Out of all the planets in all the galaxies and all the times, you and I are alive here and now. Why? Because we're supposed to be. Call it fate, destiny, whatever you like, but every human being is important, every life-form is important, and we're all here for a reason; to live, and make the best of our existence," Phil explained.

Dan hummed again. "Interesting."

Phil kissed his cheek. He looked so good. "I like to stop, to memorize every moment," he breathed out, brushing Dan's hair from his face. "Being here. With you. A small smile playing at your lips. Your eyes reflecting the moonlight, almost glowing. Traces of tear stains on your cheeks. Wearing my green hoodie. Arms around my neck. You look so good, baby," Phil whispered, leaning forward to kiss him.

"You're so amazing, Phil," Dan whispered, pressing his lips against Phil's. "How can you see the world like that?"

"Honestly, I didn't used to. But meeting you, it kind of opened my eyes. I saw the beauty in you that you couldn't see, and realized that there was beauty in everything, somewhere. When you're here, the world's alive and bright with color, but when you're gone its dark, cloudy...I don't know," Phil told him, staring intently into his eyes. He wished this boy knew just how much he had saved Phil.

 ********_I know you're seeing black and white_  
_So I'll paint you a clear blue sky_  
_Without you I am colour-blind  
_ _It's raining every time I open my eyes_

"Tell me more about your world," Dan whispered. He rested his head against Phil's shoulder as they held each other close, swaying slowly to imaginary, inaudible, music.

Dan chuckled softly, "Well," he spoke, "in my world, every life is a song. The song gets happier and sadder, some are short, some are long, some end sad...some end happy."

Dan lifted his head and gazed into Phil's eyes with a hopeful look. "What does my song sound like?" he asked.

"A bit like this," Phil mumbled, pulling him into a kiss.

Dan pulled away, giggling. He dug his phone out of his pocket and put on music, turning the volume up all the way.

"Dan, we're in the middle of a park!" Phil whisper-exclaimed, chuckling.

"Who cares, dance with me," Dan answered, wrapping his arms around my neck.

Phil smiled, placing his hands on Dan's hips. They swayed back and forth slowly at first, but as Phil grew more comfortable he got into it. Dan and Phil stepped back in forth in sync, and they were properly dancing now. Dan giggled loudly as Phil twirled him around catching him in Phil's arms and dipping him downwards.

At the end of the song, Dan and Phil were laughing hysterically, laying side by side on the grass, staring up at the stars. Dan reached and intertwined their fingers. "You never cease to amaze me, Phil Lester."

"Amazed myself there a bit." Phil laughed. "I can't dance for the life of me."

 ********_I want you_  
_I'll colour me blue_  
_Only seeing myself_  
_When I'm looking up at you  
_ _When I'm looking up at you_

"Dan?" Phil asked, quietly.

"Yeah?"

"Would you...would you stay with me tonight?"

He sighed. "I dunno...my mum might get home, she'll be pissed if I'm gone."

Phil held Dan's hands between both of his, rolling over to face him, "I just want to make sure that you're okay."

"Oh God, I'm so sorry for all of this," Dan said, sighing.

Phil smiled remembering his first meeting with Dan. "Stop saying that, it's annoying," Phil told him, in his best imitation of Dan's own voice, hoping he'd remember their first encounter. When Dan had put on that over-dramatic 'badass' persona.

"Sorry." Dan smirked. "Oh my god, that seems like so long ago and just yesterday at the same time."

"I know right. Things seemed so much simpler back then."

"What, before we actually gave a shit about each other?"

Phil laughed. "Exactly." Phil met his eyes again and spoke softer, "I always gave a shit about you, Dan."

"That's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me," Dan replied, sarcastically emotional.

Phil grinned. "Come home with me," he requested, squeezing his hand.

"How could I refuse an offer from such a charming man?" he answered, whispering the compliment in Phil's ear.

Phil gripped Dan's hand and led him back to his car.

* * *

********_I want you_  
_I'll colour me blue_  
_Anything it takes to make you stay_  
_Only seeing myself  
_ _When I'm looking up at you_

Phil laid Dan down on his bed, not breaking their kiss. When he finally pulled away, they were both breathing heavily. Dan smiled up at Phil, and Phil reached to pull Phil's sweater up and over Dan's head. Dan bit his lip, grabbing Phil's wrists. "Phil wait," Dan breathed out.

Phil stopped, looking up to meet his scared eyes. "What is it?" Phil asked softly.

His eyes watered as he looked down at Phil. "I...I don't...do you wanna keep the sweater on?" he breathed out, looking away, crossing his arms and hiding them.

In their times before, Dan had been reluctant to show his wrists when he was undressed. He'd kept on a jumper or a jacket. Phil hadn't said anything, understanding why he wouldn't want to expose himself so much to Phil, show Phil his most vulnerable place.

Phil quietly hushed him. "It's okay, Dan," he whispered, "Trust me, yeah?" Phil kissed him softly.

Dan seemed hesitant, but he kissed back, tears slowly collecting in his eyes. Phil went to take his sweater off again, looking up at him. He nodded slightly at Phil and Phil pulled it all the way off, revealing his chest, his collar, his shoulders, his belly, and his scar-covered arms. Dan turned his arms over, trying to hide them. "D-don't look at them, p-please," he requested quietly. "I-I'm sorry."

"Shh..." Phil whispered, trailing his fingers lightly over the pale and red bumps in his skin. He looked right into Dan's teary eyes as he lifted Dan's hand to his mouth. Phil held his eye contact for a few seconds before softly pressing kisses against each scar that he could make out. Dan continued to cry, watching Phil intently.

"You're beautiful Dan, you'll always be beautiful to me. Okay?"

Dan nodded, blinking the tears from his eyes.

Phil started on the other wrist. "You don't have to hide anything from me, Dan. Yeah?"

Dan nodded again.

Phil kissed Dan gently on the lips. "You don't have to hurt yourself. I'll be here for you, from now on, okay? Call me, text me, show up at my house. Tell me you'll do that, please. Promise me."

Dan nodded once more, lacing his fingers with Phil's. "Thank you," he breathed, shakily. "I-I've killed the mood haven't I?"

Phil shook his head, smiling a little. He began kissing down Dan's neck, along his collar, and down his chest to his waist. "You're gorgeous," Phil mumbled against his skin.

"No, Phil I..."

Phil shushed him with a kiss. "And you're brave, and sweet, and fun, and amazing," Phil whispered, punctuating each adjective with a kiss somewhere on his body.

"Y-you're one to talk," Dan breathed, shakily, getting lost in the feelings Phil was providing, eyes closed.

"No, tonight is about you, Dan," Phil whispered, voice low and sensual.

"I want you to wake up tomorrow, look in the mirror, and think,  _I'm beautiful_ or at least  _I'm worth something,_ " Phil told him. "Because you are. You're  _so_ beautiful, and you're worth  _so much_."

Dan sniffled, nodding. "Okay."

* * *

********_I want you_  
_I'll colour me blue_  
_Anything it takes to make you stay_  
_Only seeing myself  
_ _When I'm looking up at you_

Phil shot up in bed, haunted by the nightmare he'd just had about Dan. It had been the same one that Phil had been experiencing ever since the fateful day at the beach. The trouble was, when Phil woke up it didn't seem to be over.

Phil heard quiet sobbing in the darkness, and he didn't feel Dan on his bed anywhere. "D-Dan?" he asked, shakily, heart beating quickly.

He let out a louder sob. Phil located him in the corner of the room, holding his knees to his chest and sobbing into his hands. Phil crawled out of bed and over to him, dragging the comforter along with him. Phil sat beside him, pulling his warm duvet around Dan's shaking body. He glanced over Dan in the moonlight from the window. Dan's hair was curled and his cheeks were tear-stained, but there were no fresh wounds.

"Hey, hey," Phil murmured, cuddling up against him, calming when he realized Dan wasn't hurt.

"I, I d-don't know w-why," Dan choked out, gesturing around himself.

Phil pressed a kiss to his forehead, "I didn't ask," he mumbled, rubbing circles into his back, "Sometimes it's okay not to know."

Dan smiled. "How did I ever get so lucky as to meet you?"

 ********_I want you_  
_I'll colour me blue_  
_Anything it takes to make you stay_  
_Only seeing myself  
_ _When I'm looking up at you_

Dan was sad, depressed even. He had problems. He was broken. He tried to push Phil away.

But Phil loved him. Phil was so in love with him. He didn't care if Dan broke him too, as long as they were together.

Without Dan, Phil wasn't himself. Phil needed him. As Phil lulled him back to sleep in the corner of Phil's bedroom, he mumbled to him, "I wonder the same thing every day." Phil gathered the sleeping boy in his arms and carried him to Phil's bed, laying him down gently.

"Goodnight, Dan," Phil whispered, "I'll see you in the morning.:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know if you're reading and enjoying this! as i've said, i have all chapters written and i'm proud of this fic, but i'm probs only going to take the time to edit it all if at least someone is reading it kskfdf thanks if you are !!

**Author's Note:**

> [hmu on tumblr](https://midnightskydan.tumblr.com/)


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